S.O.S. for CSS

Do you know what I want for my birthday other than money, more money, some hmm…topped with money?

My dotcom put together. So it’s been a month now and while the basics are there I have ran into a bit of trouble.

Now, I don’t know anything about coding, but someone mentioned the source of my problem being related to an issue with anchor codes. Another said something about spacing codes. All of this is a bunch of jargon I don’t know.

What I do know is the site is looking a little janky if it’s not opened in a full browser and I need to get that fixed asap.

So who knows CSS or knows someone who knows CSS? I’ve contacted people that friends have recommended to me with no response.

I get people are busy, but I need to get busy with moving on. As of now, it’s still going to essentially be the same layout only with a few different tools related to the blogging software, but as I make plans to do more things with the site I need to get this out of the way.

That being said, if you know someone gon’ tell me who. If you don’t know what CSS is either just drop me a prayer that I get it together.

Or you can toss some suggestions in the comments section about things you’d like me to try tackling on this here blog.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don’t really need to be stripping. That is, not long term anyway. Thus, I have to continue building with what I have.

Help the cause, ya’ll!

Give It To Me

1. I like him, but can we stop acting like President Obama is the Jesus remix now?

2. Is there anything else going on but the rent?

3. Was Halle Berry and the Harper’s Bazaar editors going for the Beyonce 20 years older and 40 pounds later look?

4. What decade is this?

5. So Donnie McClurkin compares being gay to being a diabetic. The ghey used to be compared to incest and bestiality. Should we call this progress?

6. By the way:

I’m a diabetic now and I don’t eat sugar, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want sugar. The more I don’t eat the sugar, the more I lose the taste for sugar and the more my diet starts to change permanently – I can’t stand a regular soda now because it’s too much sugar. So, the more I don’t intake the sugar, the more it leaves out of my desire.

Isn’t this a flawed analogy? Like basically saying I’m gay but I won’t give head. In the end, aren’t you still on team peen – just riding the bench?

No pun intended.

7. He seems like a nice guy, but am I the only one who has trouble making out Harlem Heights cast member Jason’s accent?

8. Will The Real Slim Shady please stand up and find a new shtick?

9. Can someone fetch me a fish sandwich? Extra hot sauce, please.

10. If the rumors are true, why is it taking so long for Amber Rose to figure out that she doesn’t like sex with Kanye because she’s a lesbian?

11. Have you gone goo goo for GaGa yet?

12. They do realize we know it’s them calling the paps, right?

13. Why haven’t you written a letter to The Recession Diaries? Don’t worry, though, you still can: therecessiondiaries@gmail.com.

Thank you in advance.

14. Is Meagan Good for real with her singing dreams?

15. Why won’t Black directors give Viola Davis work?

16. Do ya’ll realize that if The Game and Everybody Hates Chris are cancelled that the only Black-helmed shows on TV will be from Tyler Perry?

16b. When will someone alert Hollywood that we can have more than one Black power player at a time?

17. Who knew the Black Eyed Peas were back let alone with a #1 single?

18. White people, can you tell me why ya’ll love Flo’rida so much?

19. Am I the only one laughing at My Little Keyshia?

20. Is the recession killing Beyonce’s tour game?

Bonus: I’m on that nice shit right now. Tell me something good that’s happened to you this week.

Then tell me what I should do for my birthday.

She Told Us

More and more I read comments from music artists ranting about haters or people being too negative to their liking. To be fair, many are correct in there being miserable folks out there who are nothing but hostile, embittered, jealous jackasses with nothing better to do than take shots at people out of spite.

However, many more artists incorrectly link any form of criticism to some level of hatred and jealously. I can’t help but think this has more to do with them not liking anyone who doesn’t constantly remind them that their shit doesn’t stink than anything else.

Ciara strikes me as one of those people, hence the visceral previous post about her.

I see she’s aware that people have been talking about her and has decided to respond with:

Q:People are talking about the similarities between Beyonce’s choreography and your choreography. I know what you were going for…

A:Right, I got inspired by the Vegas show, but go ahead. What do you want to know?

Q:How do you even address that? Have you seen the screen grabs?

A: I don’t think there’s really anything to address. I think it’s very, very funny. And you know what my response is to that? For the ones that have something negative to say? They must have really enjoyed it that much to go and nitpick it, because it’s something they pulled up and was like, “Yo!” There were a couple of things in there that I’ve never seen. I think that it’s important for us as artists to be original and to create something new, so it would be really silly of me to go and create something you’ve already seen. So not one time were any of my references another artist. My references were clearly inspired from shows that I’ve actually seen. It goes to show how creative we can be and how close the worlds are. I did my first video with my metal outfit. I was inspired by Thierry Mugler. Now, from my understanding, Beyonce is using Thierry Mugler for her tour. It just is what it is. It’s very petty to me. When people nitpick something and they say negative things, my response to that is they really must have liked it that much. They just said, “This just can’t be! We gotta find something!” That’s also the definition of a person having too much time on their hands to do nothing. That’s how I look at that.

This was prefaced by an intro where the writer sarcastically mocks the legitimate opinions about the “Love Sex Magic” video with the trivial cop out, “It’s just Bey stans ranting.”

Can we please stop acting like this is just an instance of overzealous Beyonce stans launching another form of Beehad?

I don’t recall anyone ever saying “…and on the eighth day God created Beyonce and her lacefront.”

But:

Not only am I not blind, but my lips aren’t permanently attached to Ciara’s ass so I don’t have to pretend to ignore the obvious for a check. There have been plenty of images used to highlight Beyonce’s copycat antics so why not call a spade a spade about Ciara and move on.

Stop enabling these artists.

First Ciara says: “I think that it’s important for us as artists to be original and to create something new, so it would be really silly of me to go and create something you’ve already seen.”

Then she comes with, “My references were clearly inspired from shows that I’ve actually seen.”

Which is it?

It doesn’t even matter because Ciara’s biggest hit to date has a beat that was used twice already. “Goodies” is a generic version of “Freek-A-Leek” which borrows heavily from the beat for “Yeah!”

I like the song, but c’mon.

And isn’t the beginning of “Never Ever” exactly like “That’s The Way Love Goes?”

Hey, if it’s not original, who cares so long as it’s good. But if you know you’re not exactly groundbreaking, why parade yourself as such?

The only thing worse than a pretentious artist is a pretentious artist who hasn’t done nearly as much as they seem to believe they have.

I happen to think she’s a good dancer, but I’ve noticed her routine has been limited to three dance moves lately: Muscle butt shake one, muscle butt shake two, and matrix.

A move that ain’t all that brand new either, by the way.

Thank you, Siyclone, for the image.

I don’t really care if she copies, but if your music isn’t on point and you’re acting like you’re really bringing it, don’t be surprised if people who know better say something about it.

When I write that I think she could be doing more than squatting in sex positions on camera, maybe that’s my way of saying she’s talented enough to where she doesn’t have to try so hard.

Or that if you look looked at her chart history, she may noticed that she didn’t have to lick anyone’s ear to create buzz for her project. I’m all for people embracing their sexuality, but far too many people rely on that to advance.

But no, I’m negative, I’m one of the worst people alive because I align myself with the people who don’t want to toss Ciara any singles.

Her album has been pushed back several times and the only reason she’s managed to get a hit now after so many tries is that she relied on someone’s else celebrity for extra spins on a track that sounds like a leftover from FutureSex/Love Sounds (of Prince).

This is exactly why so many people don’t even bother monetarily supporting artists anymore. They all work with the same stylists, producers, and songwriters all trying to do the exact same thing that’s usually played out already anyway.

And they call get the same result: A cheap hit here, a little stardom there, and then they fizzle away before you know it.

When talented people rely too heavily on gimmicks that work against what spurred their popularity from the jump, they typically end up falling off.

Oh, there I go hating again. I must have too much time on my hands.

Speaking of that, Ciara spent all day shooting a video dedicated to the Beyonce anthology and Magic City. I took twenty minutes to call her out for swagger jacking hoe shit.

Who really needs to work on how to better spend their time?

I’on See It & I Definitely Don’t Hear It

For most of my life I’ve been compared to people I don’t think I look anything like.

As I’ve previously mentioned, when I was a kid with teeth taller than me I got called Bucky O’Hare. Once the baby fat turned just fat, baby, I remember a girl called me Theodore from The Chipmunks in middle school. Fat and mean at the time, I called her something that I’d rather not repeat on here.

Once I thinned out a bit, Tiger Woods’ popularity soared — as did my comparisons to him.

After a while I went from cablanasian to ca-crackhead. More and more people said I looked like a fake ass Debarge. Chico to be exact. In fact, there was a girl who called me Chico throughout college.

I called her skinny ass Trina out of spite.

Then once I graduated, Maxwell decided to wake up from hibernation and find himself a barber. For some reason Maxwell without the hair looked like me everyday of the week to some folks.

As of late, though, all I seem to get is Chris Brown and warnings not to hit on Rihanna. I just got my fourth comparison to Chris Brown on Saturday during a house party.

I was standing next to a light skinned girl with a cut like one of Rihanna’s. The kind that doesn’t remind people of Prince or Michael Jackson circa Bad era.

Most of the time, I brush off those comparisons, but after twice being compared to a certain someone from Making The Band, I’m ready to research elective surgery.

Wait, not really, but I said that to be dramatic. Did it work?

No? Well, wouldn’t you react funny to being compared to Quanell Mosley?

I don’t think we look that much alike. He’s skinny with big teeth. I know that description applies to me, too, but I don’t know, ya’ll. I don’t see it.

On top of that, someone told me I sound like him. My response, “Is that your way of saying I sound like a bitch?”

He told me that’s not the way he meant it, but when I think Que from Making The Band, I don’t think, “Yeah, that’s the dude you want people to compare you to.”

I don’t really too much care for my voice. It’s one reason why I deflected from suggestions that I get into radio and channel my inner Wendy Williams and Star. That and syndication killed the lives of most jocks.

Anyhow, I asked a few people if they found this comparison to be true. My brother said no, arguing that Que’s voice is higher than mine. My friend said hell no then proceeded to look at me stupid for even asking.

My sister said, “Oh no!” at the comparison alone, but then came right back with, “Well, ya’ll do have a similar tone so I hear it.” She then quickly added, “But you don’t bitch out like that.”

A sister knows her brother.

My brother-in-law doesn’t agree with her. I already liked him, but I think I like him even more now for that reason alone. She still says we do indeed sound alike. Meh.

Both disagreed that I look like him.

But that’s what I heard on Friday. Sitting at a restaurant, a friend of a friend started looking at me and said, “You know, you look a lot like Que from Making The Band.”

My friends both laughed as they could guess my quick reaction.

Word.

Take a look at my pics and judge for yourself.

Even though I don’t think I look or sound all that much like him, maybe I would be more inclined to brush off comparisons to dude if he didn’t seem so damn crazy on the show.

I’ve read his Twitter. He blames it on editing. Yeah, whatever. The thing about editing is that while story editors and producers do very much twist events around and piece things together that likely didn’t happen on screen as it did in real time, they’re still going by footage you gave them.

So if you’re in front of the cameras acting like your ass needs a hug and a prescription, what do you expect producers of a TV show to do? Talk about you in dance class?

I had to pause the TV so many times because he was getting on my damn nerves. I don’t normally get worked out over a show, but damn, did anyone else want to reach through the screen and knock the hell out of him?

He seems like a nice person at the core, but a tad bit touched. If he keeps getting out of pocket maybe Day 26 should replace him with Babs Bunny.

I prefer being called a fake ass Chico Debarge. He may be out of his mind and strung out, too, but at least the cameras aren’t on him.

Stop The Top

The homie, the lovely and talented Maiya over at Blind I, sent me an image over the weekend that I couldn’t go without posting about.

The lady who looks like a gentleman in the picture was in Mai’s hair salon getting a flat top. I understand that people have been trying to bring this hairstyle back for a while now. I even spotted a guy with a flat top at a club last fall.

He looked like a stretched out version of first grade.

Is this a hairstyle we really want to come back, folks? There were so many good things about 1990 that could all come back.

Will Smith could come back to TV. Julia Roberts could give us another good movie like Pretty Woman. Madonna could return to a face that didn’t need Adobe Photoshop so much. My sister used to bump Kool G. Rap. I’ll take that. Public Enemy’s Fear of a Black Planet, too.

Hell, I’ll even take back Hammertime.

For all of the good things that came out in the early 90s, there were plenty of bad fads. The fanny pack is a good example. Unfortunately, I spotted people rocking those things last year, too.

And now this. When will it end? The recession? We had one of those in the early 90s, too. And the early 80s, which is the fashion trend that’s still fighting to stick around. Are ya’ll not noticing a pattern here?

Dress like 1998 when America had some money.

Now I had a flat top in the 90s myself.

So I understand the appeal. I liked my lil’ flat top…back then. But you won’t find me with one now. Why? Because in hindsight no one should willingly walk around trying to look like an eraser.

I realize I’m entering that stage of my life where I can recognize previous trends that people barely alive think are brand new and thus want to try on themselves. Yet part about growing older besides the cheaper car insurance is that you get to forget some things.

I’d like to forget the flat top. But with my luck in three weeks I’ll see a bunch of dudes in skinny jeans with flat tops wearing fanny packs.

The Coon Man

As you’ve noticed by now, I’ve become more comfortable with solicitation on The Cynical Ones. So comfortable I’m doing it right now.

While I appreciate those of you who have hit me up to say you enjoy my other blog on The Root, “The Recession Diaries,” I need more people to start contributing letters. I’ve hit up friends and gotten great material, and when MSN picked up my piece about my plight with student loans, I got a lot of emails from people wanting to share their own experiences.

However, things have started to dry up so which leads me to this post.

If you know would to like to discuss your experiences with the current economic crisis, please email me your story at therecessiondiaries@gmail.com. If you know of anyone else who might be interested in submitting a letter, please forward them this post.

I’m trying my best to get as many different experiences as possible. Some of been downright depressing while others have been incredibly motivating. In short, I’d like both and all that fit in between.

I want to continue putting my best foot forward, and I can only do so by getting as much feedback as possible. I’ve been getting from people who tell me I never mention any of my other writing gigs with them. Eh, very guilty of that, but hey, I’m telling you now…at least about this one anyway.

So if you could be so kind, help the cause.

Oh and if you’re wondering what the hell that is in the picture, it’s a dead raccoon. I stumbled along the story via a post by Fresh @ C+D and after reading the article in full and watching the video, I had to post about this on The Recession Diaries.

How can you not write about someone who calls himself “The Coon Man” and argues folks aren’t ready for the tough times because they’re not out in their backyard hunting for supper.

If you want to check it out, click me.

Clap For Nya

Will this week end already? Yeah, two posts are coming (or at least should be), but until then let the baby serenade you. I swear I’m about ready to murk half the world, but then I step back into my room, check my twitter, and see a video of this cute lil’ kid and her off beat pops (at the end).

Enjoy until I’m back.

I Can’t

Dallas, I’m grateful for the buffoonery and jigs you have provided me over the last year and a half, but ya’ll have officially lost me — that is, until you come up with another dance in about six hours.

When someone told me via Twitter (shameless plug time: follow me) that there was a dance named after Keyshia Cole’s mama I anticipated something ignorant yet danceable. Unfortunately, this dance comes a little too close to how a crack head would operate.

Wait, no saying that is disrespectful to all of the crackheads I used to see get it on Georgia Avenue.

Ya’ll don’t understand: I really wanted to like it despite no longer being all that great a fan of Franky (I thought it was spelled “Frankie,” which sounds better to me, but whatever) herself. But this looks really ridiculous. For a second I wasn’t even sure if this dance was really a homage to Franky whatever her last name is.

This is me after viewing dude in the front and the rest of the members of Day 26 show off the Franky:

That is not how I normally react to ign’t southern dances. What’s going on, Dallas? Are kids out there reading all of a sudden and now find themselves too busy to dance?

Like Kiki77868, I thought:

i am liking dis song but who da hell is franky

is they talking bout keyshia cole mama, frankie lymons, somebody from they crew…i just need to know who da hell is franky

Because clearly drop it the flo’, pick it back up, vibrate ya hips make a n—- wanna… would not dance to this. Not even after her eleventh glass of Hennessy. To tell you the truth, I don’t like the song that much either.

Thankfully, Fresh shared a new video that’s officially my song for April:

Now isn’t that much better? This is exactly why Crunk + Disorderly is my very own Huffington Post.

I know some of you will never understand my love for bird calls and hoodrat anthems, but mark my words: They’re not dying.

Proof is below:

Even Halle Berry is doing the Halle Berry. See why I blog about this stuff now?

C’mon Dallas, I usually talk slick (I’m from Houston, you understand), but lately the Dallas boogie has been on it. Do better.

Sidenote: Ellen is one of my favorite people in the world. Who knew she keeps up with the hood dances?

The Name Game: Miller Edition

I think Master P’s kids deserve their very own entry as it’s a litter of them with names out of this world.

I’m at the point now where I can properly pronounce most of the ‘unique’ names of children even if I don’t know what the hell their name actually means. Such is the Case for Percy’s daughter, Cymphonique.

In addition to little Cymphonique – who on the site posted a video about wanting to be an “inspiring actress, dancer, and singer” (she’s 12, ya’ll — I give her a pass) – there are her brothers and sisters.

Like Lil’ King, the 8-year-old rap sensation who boasts lines like, “This young man, I’m #1/That means I come second to none/With a nick, nack, patty wack, send them haters home/My name is King and I’m coming for the thrown,” from his single, “Wiggy Wiggy.”

Not to be outdone, there’s another rapping brother named Vercy. He’s not to be confused with another Miller boy named Hercy. Or Veno, who sings.

Per Siyclone, I’ve learned the kids P. has with his wife include, Percy III (Lil’ Romeo), Vercy, and Hercey. The girls include Itali, Tytyana, and Intylyana.

The others are from another mother. They’re all promoted as triple threats, however.

Did ya’ll get all that?

Last week the homie texted me that he met a girl named LaTiffany. I’m sure most of us will agree when compared to Cymphonique and Intylyana, LaTiffany’s name might as well be Julie.

Edit: Per an anonymous commenter: “Lil’ King isn’t Cymphonique and Vernen’s (Veno) brother…thats their cousin…Lil’ King is Silkk’s son not Percy’s.”

I read one thing, two people tell me something different, and now something else. I’m confused about who’s child support check goes to whom, but I do know all those names are still ‘unique.’

Thanks for leaving this, though!

Send This To Kanye, Please

There seems to be a growing number of people who are anticipating Kanye West to one day throw on a pink scarf and step out into a room full of reporters and announce that he’s gay. I’m not one of those people because I don’t believe Kanye West is gay.

I’m put off by how so many people assume he’s gay for some of the most stereotypical reasons.

OK, so he’s not walking around holding his nutsac all day like half the Black male population between the ages of 6-30.

Alright, he’s had moments where certain expressions, mannerism, or outburst are deemed “suspect” by the general population. This, however, makes no sense to me given the fact that hip-hop is both homophobic yet homoerotic – yes, I’m talking about you greased up rappers in jewelry telling another man to suck your dick. No one calls them gay, so why does one odd face make ‘Ye a homo?

We live in a world where Black fathers are largely absent in the upbringing of their male sons. You typically act like the people who raised you in one way or the other, so Black America, get used to it unless Black men start remembering that your parenting responsibilities don’t escape you as soon as you nut.

I don’t buy into these trite and extremely limiting gender roles anyway. I’m not saying should I have a son I’ll be taking him dress shopping at age six, but I’m not going to break out into convulsions if he gives someone the side-eye either.

I think what bothers me most of all about Kanye’s gay claims are that they’re now partially fueled by Kanye having the audacity to speak about gay people as if they’re not aliens or inherent heathens who will be burned in hell for all eternity.

Speaking about a human being as such shouldn’t warrant an untruthful association. It’s stupid and sophomoric and it makes it that much more difficult for tolerant Black men to speak about gay people as normal folk.

No one is going to want to openly speak out in defense of an isolated group if they fear it will lead to alienation from their own community and be detrimental to their career.

I will say, though, that I find Kanye’s ninetieth denial about being gay to be disappointing.

For someone who puts on airs that he’s so forward-thinking and recently asked people to show a little humility and tolerance, I find it odd that when denying rumors about his own sexuality he clings to the age-old stereotype about gay men.

His accusing those who accuse him of being gay of questioning his manhood is rooted in the notion that gay men aren’t “real men.”

If you are a man attracted to men you’re often tagged as effeminate, and thus, less of a man. This is why I often tell people homophobia is largely rooted in misogyny. Though we’ve collectively made some strides, society at large still hates women, and judges them as less than men. That’s why so many can’t stand gay men as being one is looked upon as yearning to be a woman.

Kanye’s blog entry buys into all of that nonsense, and only irritates me more – mainly because if we’re going by the logic of what traditionally makes a man a man ‘Ye ain’t but a few outfits and bitch fits away from being B. Scott’s sister.

This is a person admittedly with questionable choices in fashion and certain antics. Though I don’t personally think any of that suggests he’s a choker, not a poker, if we’re going by the idea that being gay strips one of their manhood, then what does dressing like one mean?

Particularly if this man is currently dating a woman who used to date a woman into men who pretend to look like women.

Like I said, I don’t think Kanye West is gay, but I’m really disappointed in him buying into a stereotype I thought he was helping to discredit.

Being the Louie Vuitton Don doesn’t make him gay, but that along with this statement sure makes him sound like a hypocrite.