Here Comes The Bride

It seems as if the world can’t get enough of Usher’s latest publicity stunt, so who am I to ignore the fray? Shortly after being “reported” in the National Enquirer that Usher’s fiancé or beard (depending on who you’re talking to), Tameka “Don’t Call Me Maneka” Foster was a liar, fraud, and ex-con, the lavish spiritual union planned between the two adulterous souls was cancelled only hours before the ceremony was to begin on Saturday.

Why? Which rumor do you want to believe? The one where Usher found out he didn’t know that his fiancé used to run welfare scans? The one about Tameka wanting barbecue at the reception and demanding that her mother wear her teeth to the affair? The one where Usher’s mother and up until Tameka got the draws, life planner, refused to attend the wedding? What about the one that Tameka steals clothes and sells them at sample sales in Atlanta? Have you heard that the IRS is after her?

Whatever the reason, the wedding didn’t happen, so I’m sure several Usher enthusiasts blasted, “Yeah!” as loud as possible once news broke.

Are they still together? I don’t know, but I’m sure we’ll know by the time news of an album release date breaks. Do you care? If you don’t, care until you’re done reading this entry.

The most interesting thing about this whole album interest-generating publicity stunt is how bloggers and radio people from all over have blasted Tameka.

I’ve never read the Sandra Rose blog, but after finding this entry re-posted on a message board, maybe I should start. It seems only a week ago did the attention-loving would-be bride sent Sandra an email boasting about her pending nuptials.

From: Tameka Foster [email addy removed]
To: sandra@sandrarose.com
Subject: Sandra Darling
Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2007 01:12:33

Sandra Darling,

I love that you have given me so much coverage lately on your
little website. It does my heart good with so popularity. You keeping me in the spotlight is exactly what I want and I would like to personally thank you and give kudos. Also, the wedding invitations will soon be in the mail, but unfortunately you will not be attending nor photographing it. Tah, Tah.

Thanks Doll,
Mrs. Tameka Foster-Raymond

PS: U**** sends his love

Y’know, she really needs to quit acting like she’s such a celebrity that people are so entranced with. She only gets a little shine because of her affiliation with mini Ben Vereen, and it’s her juvenile antics that has Usher set on what’s looking to be a bad era musically. She has three kids and she’s knocking on 40. Grow the hell up, tranny/beard/man (quoting Wendy).

I suppose that’s easier said than done, as Miss Popularity has spoken to People magazine about the rumors surrounding her canceled wedding. Let me summarize: Blah blah blah.

No Justice, No Peace

It must be a slow protest week for activists.

Def Jam is asking fans to call, write, email, or fax the White House in an effort to get a presidential pardon for legendary R&B singer and alter-ego embracer Mr. Biggs AKA Ron Isley before he begins serving a three year sentence in a federal prison for tax evasion.

Not to be outdone, the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP is asking the public to not judge Michael Vick before he has his day in court. Vick is charged with federal dog-fighting conspiracy charges. One of his co-defendants has already pleaded guilty to the charges in a plea agreement with prosecutors.

R.L. White, president of the Atlanta chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, said the Atlanta Falcons quarterback has been vilified by animal rights groups, talk radio and the news media and prematurely punished by his team and corporate sponsors.

“If Mr. Vick is guilty, he should pay for his crime, but to treat him as he is being treated now is also a crime,” White said at a news conference. “Be restrained in your premature judgment until the legal process is completed.

Does a millionaire athlete that benefits from both his celebrity and wealth he’s accumulated from his now suspended endorsement deals really need the help of Mr. White?

Or maybe it’s because I’m not a big football fan (Look: The Oilers left before puberty kicked in and the Texans suck, so…) that I don’t think someone caught up on federal conspiracy charges for dog-fighting needs my sympathy. He’ll be alright. He could shoot a dog in broad daylight and still make more money than me in an hour.

As for Mr. Biggs, take a look at portions of the press release issued by Def Jam:

In an effort to protect Mr. Isley from incarceration for non-payment of taxes, we urge his fans to call, fax, or email the White House immediately to help Ronald stay out of prison.

It is important to point out that Ronald Isley has no prior criminal record, and has been a law-abiding, taxpaying employer since 1956.

Now if that were true he wouldn’t be in this predicament, now would he? Hey, I respect my elders, and I love the Isley Brothers and appreciate Mr. Biggs AKA Ron Isley’s contributions to music, but I’m not adding my name to a government list because he didn’t make his contributions to the IRS.

The IRS is scarier than any drug dealer. You should know not to mess with them.

Ruff ruff and pay up to Vick and Biggs.

I’m sure we have more pressing matters to worry over.

Donkey Charge

Someone please explain this to me. Actually…don’t. I already have an idea of how this came to pass and it’s infuriating. If you ever wanted proof that the current political system is more or less an item of commerce now, look no further than a credit card backed by a national political party.

The site boasts that the card offers an introductory APR of 2.9% on purchases and balance transfers (and they are gracious enough to note that you help the Democratic party with every purchase), you get the benefits of a platinum Mastercard, and 100% fraud protection.

I’m assuming that fraud protection doesn’t include politicians.

To be fair to Democrats, I’m certain that the Republican party has a card as well. So, if you ever wondered why legislation is passed that benefits corporations versus your average citizen, look to this blog entry and embrace clarity.

Your planet ticket: $335.70
Your dinner: $28.50 (for those that eat well — not including myself)
Your democracy on credit: Priceless.

Re: I Know Who Killed Me

Today is the premiere of Lindsay Lohan’s latest film, the aptly titled, I Know Who Killed Me. Call me cynical, but I’m guessing her film might not have the best opening weekend considering recent events. I think a more interesting film would be a documentary entitled I Know Who Killed My Career. Such a film would give Lindsay complete creative control as writer, director, producer, and star.

The cast includes:

Hold the diet.

Toot that thang up, mommy, make it roll.

Always a good influence.

I like Lindsay. Unlike most of the present company she keeps, I think Lindsay has actual talent, and if given a chance, could go on to accomplish much as an actress. I don’t blame her completely for her troubles: I save a sizable portion of the blame for her media-hungry parents. I’m sure if you turn on the TV right now you will find mother Dina still making television appearances asking for privacy while speaking about her daughter publicly.

Hopefully, someone introduces Lindsay to the following:

Someone please find her.
Ignore Amy Winehouse.

Your ankle will love you for it.

What? It beats Lindsay blaming ‘the black kid’ for driving.

We Gon’ Try This Again

So, ‘the man’ is out to get my blog…again. This time, ‘the man’ won’t publish the Beyonce tumbling entry I wrote fifty-eleven hours ago. But, as you know, nann hater gon’ stop my show.

The entry – or what I can remember of it anyway – is as follows:

Although I’m sure by now you’ve seen it on every site in the blogosphere, Beyonce and/or Sasha suffered a fall while performing her second-single, the Kelis-channeling ‘love isn’t blind, it’s expensive’ anthem, “Ring The Alarm.”

Ever the trooper, despite the ugly fall, Beyonce rose right back and proceeded to finish her Janet Jackson inspired performance.

I wanted to add a fresh spin to the much discussed stumble by playing a little game I’d like to call, “Guess Whose Spirit Pushed Her Ass Down.”

A. Janet Jackson: Because Beyonce swagger-jacked the Rhythm Nation era for the choreography. Plus, she did the butterfly at the BET Awards – something Janet probably hasn’t been able to do in years. Plus, if you’ve seen Janet lately, she looks like if she pushed you, you’d fly the way Beyonce did. Love you, Damita Jo! 🙂

B. Rihanna: For obvious reasons. She looks like the type that will trip your ass up with an umbrella, doesn’t she?

C. LaTavia: Kelly got to tell us she was gon’ bump like this. LeToya’s torn heart gave her an R&B hit and #1 debut for her first solo record. Even Michelle has found a day job. Everyone’s been given a ninth chance except LaTavia — well except that other one that has the eyes like ‘Fat Cat’ from Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers, but I blinked my eyes and she was gone, so whatever. I remember hearing LaTavia has a tattoo that reads, “Me Myself & I” (or Shrimp Fried Rice Hold The Egg) in Chinese. I’d watch my back, Bee.

D. Kelly Rowland: See her first week sales (Hey, don’t get mad: I bought the record.). Actually, scratch that. Kelly is probably beating up the man who designed the coat Beyonce wore that got caught in her shoe, which caused her to take a dive on stage as I type. We’ll just list Rihanna twice. I’m sure she’ll do anything to keep her work visa.

Choose your answer wisely.

In all seriousness, I’m glad Beyonce is ok. Had she been seriously injured, I would’ve “borrowed” a kinfolk’s credit card and flew to the hospital she was receiving care at to lead a vigil. I might be waiting for the DVD of her concert (look I’ve seen her four times in three years, but I just graduated from college and I’m broke), but I am a fan. I actually bust my ass trying to sweep the flo’ with it on Saturday. The club was too crowded, but like Beyonce, I got right back up. I knew she would’ve wanted it that way.

Ok, so the original entry looked nothing like this. The other one was funnier and a shorter read. Laugh anyway.

Pimp C: Geography Teacher

In an interview with Ozone magazine, Pimp C, one-half of the legendary duo, UGK (PAT where ya at?), berates some of the biggest names in hip hop and R&B – including some of his fellow Houston-area emcees. But, one of the more interesting parts of the interview is Pimp C’s geography lesson about Atlanta, the only city people not from the South seem to recognize (no shade at ATL, but non-southerners act as if every other city was lost after the war).

Pimp C on Atlanta: “Atlanta is not the South. Atlanta is not the South, gotdamn it, when you go to Atlanta what does your clock say? When you get off the plane from Los Angeles or Texas, what time do it be over there? Atlanta is East Coast time. You niggas ain’t in the South.”

So, if “East Coast” time thwarts any city or states’ claim to the South, where does that leave the region? A handful of states? Does that mean such southern gems as “White Tee” are no longer southern gems? Does that mean when you rock your hips, then wave and sip, you’re doing some East Coast dance now? I’m so confused.

Now, as much as I love the undergrounds kings, how high do you think Pimp C was when he said this? Mile high? Sky high? Orbiting around one of Jupiter’s moons?

Better yet, what drug do you think he was high off of? Drank (cough syrup), weed, sherp (that’s probably misspelled, but it’s essentially weed or cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid), or did he have a handlebar (downer) and an ex-pill (upper) so his senses are all out of whack? Whatever the case, this Negro’s ill.

You can listen to the full interview here, but basically let me paraphrase: “Nigga, gay, dick-in-the-booty, bitch, and a couple more niggas.”

Pimp C obviously did a lot of reading while incarcerated.

After this post, I’m just going to pretend it never happened.

Good Parenting

What do you do when your daughter is both an alcoholic and drug addict in trouble with the law? Do you drop everything you’re doing and cater to your child? Do you ignore anyone outside of your immediate circle in an effort to respect your child’s privacy and care for their safety? Do you finally stop making it about you and more about your child?

Nah, fool. You must be on that rock, too. What you do is go on national television and talk about how devastating this is to you and your family. That is, if you’re Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina Lohan, or “White Oprah” as she likes to be called.

Oprah: The Melanin Challenged Version gave an exclusive interview to The Insider (take that, take that, Entertainment Tonight and E!) and discussed how she feels about her powder-abusing, possible malt liquor sippin’ (hey, chasing your personal assistant’s mother is gangsta) daughter’s latest tragedy (in an increasingly long list of them).

“I am sick over this. My children, my family — we are like prisoners in our own home because paparazzi is staked outside. Lindsay is in a safe place and we are trying to strategically work out our next step. We are doing everything in our power in support of Lindsay. And I won’t give up. This is my daughter and we love her. We are waiting for the press frenzy to die down and leave her alone. Please respect our privacy.”

“Please respect our privacy.” This from the woman who brought cameras to capture her daughter’s first stint in rehab. And by capture I mean use her daughter’s fame to garner some media attention for herself.

I like Lindsay Lohan and I think it’s unfortunate that she has become one of the most visible members of the “White Girl Lost” clique. I feel sorry for her battles with addiction. I feel even sorrier that despite their child being all over the press for public scandal number 47, Lindsay’s parents are still yapping it up to the press (Lindsay’s father, Michael, appeared on Larry King Live tonight). If Lindsay weren’t an adult, I would call CPS.

Easiest Questions On Earth

To the youtube user that posed the question of whether or not African Americans will ever get reparations, consider this: We can’t even get a ride out of a town flooded out by a hurricane. Do you really expect reparations?

Of course, Dennis Kucinich is for reparations, but I have a better chance of being elected President next year than he does, naturally.

Senator Dodd got the whammy of a question in whether or not the response to Katrina would have been different if the storm hit a mostly white city?

Of course not! We live in a fair and equal society and I’ll be damned if anyone suggests otherwise. Senator Dodd is a traitor to his nation, though.

Governor Richardson said something that probably made sense, but I tuned him out considering at the most, he’ll only be second choice for the Vice Presidential nominee. Shame on me. I know.

Based on these responses, who feels freer already?

Selling For Dummies

Don’t ask me about my library card.

Leave it hip hop’s king of all nonsensical babblers to take it there.

In an interview posted on XXL’s website, 50 Cent discusses the role intelligence plays in record sales.

What percentage of MCs in hip-hop do you think are actually intelligent?

You have different kinds of people. You have people that are extremely book smart that lack common sense so they don’t know what’s going to affect their audience. They have more information than me based on reading. For instance, Nas is a really smart guy. He reads books constantly. We were around him on the Nastradamus tour. He was almost weirder than me ’cause we would go to breakfast and he’d be there reading a book. Conceptually, I think that’s what made him drift away from what his initial audience enjoys from him and why he’s not hot right now.

So basically in 50 Cent’s eyes Nas is a weirdo because it’s 10 a.m. and he has a book in his hand instead of cheese eggs in his mouth. Notice 50 says almost, which one can infer means he still feels he’s weirder than Nas. What could possibly make him weirder than a reader? Constantly talking about being shot nine times? No, that can’t be it. That makes you real.

Nas’ last two releases have went gold and while that is a far cry from his multi-platinum days, hasn’t Nas always been a bit more serious in subject matter than a lot of his peers? And yes, I’m excluding “You Owe Me” and “Oochie Wally.” Smart asses.

50 expounds on his theory of why Nas can’t recapture past glory.

Because he reads too much?

Yes. He’s feeding you too much information in the music and they don’t actually want it. He’s like a teacher. I was in love with KRS-One when he came with “Criminal Minded” and “The Bridge Is Over.” That was theme music to what was going on at that time. And when he started teaching, he lost them. ’Cause it was like, “What is he talkin’ about?”

Well, I have heard reading is for suckas.

But you’re obviously really intelligent.

Absolutely. Smart enough not to overwhelm people with information.

That’s right, keep it plan. Buy Vitamin Water.

But they’re still getting information from you.
Right, but in different ways and in pieces. Anything [that] changes too fast is no good—[the audience] isn’t sure what’s going on. It’s like you watching an actor portray a character in a film that you really enjoy. Then afterwards, he sits on the couch on a talk show and this guy is so artistic that you’re not sure if you [really] fuckin’ like him.

I really want to chunk this at his head, but I can’t because I actually get the point he’s trying to make. There are three rappers – and T-Pain and Timbaland, who I haven’t a clue as to how to classify – in the top ten. I don’t see anything from Nas making a dent in a world of radio where you’re buying so many dranks that you fall in love with the bartender but you can’t help it because that’s the way you are and partying like a rockstar makes you better…a bay bay.

So where does that leave Nasir and others who don’t fall under the subgenre’s of snap music and coke rap?

Probably not too far away from 50 Cent, who’s currently pushing single number three and album push back number two.

A Boom Boom Wack

I love Laurie Ann Gibson…a boom boom cat. She brings so much energy to Making The Band…a boom boom cat. To be honest, she often makes the show for me…a boom boom cat. I don’t know, watching a bunch of men motion their hands like they’re rappers spitting about the coke game while singing Boyz II men isn’t always that entertaining…a boom boom cat.

So, I applaud Laurie Ann’s efforts to get her own show…a boom boom cat. But, I won’t however, condone songs like “Addictive”…a boom boom cat. It sounds exactly like “My Humps” and “Fergalicious”…a boom boom cat. Swagger jacking is a negative…a boom cat boom.

Laurie Ann is hoping to join Jennifer Lopez as a former ‘Fly Girl’ turned pop star. Check out Laurie Ann’s myspace page to hear a clip of the single. She actually has the nerve to charge $.99 cents for the full download. Who wants to let me hold $5.50 so I can buy this and two 5-piece nuggets and a side salad from Wendy’s?