Saucy

With each passing year I’ve noticed that fast food workers have gotten stingier and stingier when it comes to handing out condiments.

Some chains have a set limit of allotted sauces based on the size of your nugget order. Often rude drive-thru window attendants don’t even bother to place any condiments in your bag. Some cashiers look at you as if you’ve asked them for their eggs and sperm when asking for more than two lil punk ass sized ketchup packets.

Now, thanks to one jack ass, I’ll be lucky if they’re not chunking my honey mustard or sweet and sour sauce at my head.

In Miami, a manager was shot several times in the arm by an angry customer. It’s restaurant policy to only give out three packets of chilli sauce, but the sauce happy patron insisted on more. Clearly bucking under pressure, the manager upped the sauce ante to ten packets, but that still wasn’t enough.

“I did not know I got shot,” Frage said. “When I went back to the office, I saw blood pumping our of my arm and I was shocked. I was checking myself out and couldn’t believe I got shot over some chili sauce.”The customer fled in a brown four-door vehicle with a female passenger.”I got shot over chili sauce,” Frage said. “I was trying to figure while in the hospital why someone would shoot me over some chili sauce.”

Hold up. How do you not know when you’ve been shot? Thankfully, I’ve only had a gun in my face. I’ve never felt a bullet, but I know if I can feel a bb gun pellet, I should probably know the real thing when it hits me. How big do you imagine his arm is? I mean, even Carl Winslow felt the bullet when he got shot on Family Matters.

But alas: “I got shot over chili sauce,” Frage said. “I was trying to figure while in the hospital why someone would shoot me over some chili sauce.”

Must be some sauce. Who wants to bet no one is going to have any problems getting extra ketchup and sauce for a while?

Tele-phobia

The spirit of Jerry Falwell lives on through the Polish government as officials – albeit five or six years too late – have targeted the Teletubbies for promoting the ‘homosexual agenda.’

It seems Ewa Sowinska, a government-appointed children rights watchdog and Polish equivalent to Beanie Sigel, is making the rounds in the Polish press expressing concerns that the program might be promoting homosexuality.

Tsk, tsk.

In comments reminiscent of criticism by the late U.S. evangelist Jerry Falwell, she was quoted as saying: “I noticed (Tinky Winky) has a lady’s purse, but I didn’t realize he’s a boy.” “At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby … Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone.”

She’s basically calling Tinky Winky a queen, though as a psychologist, I would think she’d at least be aware of studies that suggest there’s not always a correlation between variances in traditional gender roles and homosexual behavior. Or maybe that notion that Tinky Winky might not be gay. Maybe he’s just a lazy bitch.

Or he could be a metrosexual. Has David Beckham taught his nothing? Kanye West has a man bag, and I’m almost certain a couple of women will vouch for him and go toe-to-toe with Beanie
Sigel over insinuations that he’s gay.

I don’t think the Polish government cares, though:

Polish Education Minister Roman Giertych has proposed laws sacking teachers who promote “homosexual lifestyle” and banning “homo-agitation” in schools.

Homo-agitation? Someone please explain to me what that means. In very small words, so I can completely understand…and hold my laughter better.

But in a sign that the government wants to distance itself from Sowinska’s comments, Parliamentary Speaker Ludwig Dorn said he had warned her against making public comments “that may turn her department into a laughing stock.”

Too little, too late. Yes homo.

Big Bird better watch his back. Bert and Ernie already know to run and hide.

Whoa Nelly

Nelly has announced plans for a number of new business ventures in South Africa. They include the multi-platinum rapper hosting a South African version of the MTV series Pimp My Ride, along with introducing his Vokal clothing label and energy drink, Pimp Juice. Nelly also plans to develop an American Idol type reality show where the winner of the show receives a two album deal with his Derrty entertainment label.

Just what South Africa needs: pimp imagery. Now all they need is slave gel to go with their pimp juice and they’ll be as thrown off as we are in America.

Pimp My Ride in South Africa? Seriously? Oprah just built a school there and here hip hop comes fucking shit up.

Now should I be happy that black Americans are taking dumb shit worldwide themselves instead of other people this time or should I feel sorry for all of the South Africans that are about to put on clothes that Marshall’s & TJ Maxx no longer even carry?

I mean, I had one Vokal shirt from five or six years ago and I still feel bad about it.

I apologize to South Africans in advance.

Beanie Sigel Does Joan Rivers

There’s nothing like watching a video of a homophobic ignorant jackass spew a bunch of stereotypes to remind you to be thankful that you’ve read a book.

I really don’t like using the term, but this video is nothing but utter dumb nigga shit. It serves as palpable proof that ignorance and intolerance still consumes too many black men in America and that we still have a long ways left to go.

Far too many black men are consumed with proving they have a dick than they are showing any sign of having a brain, which leads to the Beanie Sigel’s of the world.

Obviously high, Beans calls out Kanye West and Pharrell for their style of dress, which he feels isn’t representative of the hood.

Not to come across like the jackass who robs children of their innocence after revealing the truth about Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, but not everyone is from the hood, Beans. Moreover, not everyone from the hood is cut from the same cloth. We don’t all look, act, and dress the same way. People who don’t grow up in the best surroundings are not some monolith. No faction of society completely is.

Kanye and Pharrell are both products of suburbia, so big shocker that they’re not trying to be something that they’re not.

While I’m no fan of Kanye’s personal style, if I had to choose between him and Beanie, I’d choose Kanye any day of the week. Reason being I can lose the manbag a lot easier than I can the orange jump suit.

I get what Bean’s is trying to say, but he comes across as ignorant and insecure, not to mention an all-around hater.

Being a self-professed Louie Vuitton Don may not be for everyone, but neither is being a
drug-addict deadbeat father that remains in and out of prison. The latter isn’t cool to be either, Beans.

You’re that uncomfortable with gay people yet you engage in behavior that results you in landing in a setting full of men giving each other oral massages and intense prostate exams. Genius.

Don’t smoke too many blunts before you hop in front of the camera next time.

By the way, arguing over fashion is mad gay.

The Devil Made Them Do It

Satan tends to get blamed for just about every major social ill in the world. Wars, famine, and disease are all largely viewed as proof of the Devil’s existence and subsequent wretched influence on Earthly affairs. People also like to fault Satan for personal grievances. It’s Satan’s fault you can’t find your car keys. It ain’t nothing but the Devil keeping you from getting to work on time. That doggone Lucifer just won’t let you hit that number with the quick pick. Satan is the ultimate hater and cock blocker.

But now, Satan’s getting the blame for one of the most heinous forms of child abuse in recent memory. Down in Galveston, Texas, a wife is standing by her man, blaming Satan and not her husband for their infant child being severely burned in the microwave.

Eva Marie Mauldin said Satan compelled her 19-year-old husband, Joshua Royce Mauldin, to microwave their daughter May 10 because the devil disapproved of Joshua’s efforts to become a preacher.

Mauldin told reporters in Houston that Satan saw her husband as a threat. So much for personal responsibility. Crazy people just love blaming the Devil for everything, don’t they?

Police said Joshua Mauldin told them he put Ana Marie in the microwave because he was under stress. Eva Maudlin denied it.

“He would never do anything to hurt her. He loves her,” she said.

He loves her so much that his sick ass treated his daughter the same way you treat a Hot Pocket. As real as pure evil, cruelty, and selfishness all is in the world, so is mental illness.

These two belong together: One is out of his rabbit ass mind and the other is perfectly content with excusing it at all costs.

She is hoping to be reunited with her daughter, but Child Protective Services is working to have the parental rights severed.

Let us pray the Devil or CPS in this case, places this young child with a more stable (preferably mentally stable) family.

Question of the Day

By what percentage do you think John Legend has decreased the likelihood of his having any children by wearing those tight ass pants?

Bonus Question: Who actually thinks John Legend is into any of these chicks?

Bush Giving Insurgents New Target

In yet another brilliant display of arrogance, the Bush administration has designed a 104 acre compound intended to serve as the largest embassy in the world.

The $592 million embassy occupies a chunk of prime real estate two-thirds the size of Washington’s National Mall, with desk space for about 1,000 people behind high, blast-resistant walls. The compound is a symbol both of how much the United States has invested in Iraq and how the circumstances of its involvement are changing.

Translation: We’re fucked, we turned the country into a bigger mess than its ever been before, and now we have to live here — in constant fear.

The 21-building complex on the Tigris River was envisioned three years ago partly as a headquarters for the democratic expansion in the Middle East that President Bush identified as the organizing principle for foreign policy in his second term.

Who wants to bet me that three years ago President Bush thought Iraq would be a breeze and this hub would serve as the perfect place to kick back and watch Tehran fall along with Baghdad?

“What you have is a situation in which they are building an embassy without really thinking about what its functions are,” said Edward Peck, a former top U.S. diplomat in Iraq.

Someone’s making sense. Then again, this is the same person, who on the 2003 invasion of Iraq, said: “When you take out Saddam Hussein, the key question you have to ask then is, what happens after that? And we don’t have a clue. Nobody knows, but it’s probably going to be bad.”

Remember when Dick Cheney said Americans would be greeted as liberators? Who knew chants of “death to Americans” was intended to make soldiers feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

“What kind of embassy is it when everybody lives inside and it’s blast-proof, and people are running around with helmets and crouching behind sandbags?” “We assume there will be a significant, enduring U.S. presence in Iraq,” Satterfield said.

No shit. Nothing says progress like a half a billion dollar new bomb target.

In case you’re wondering, we have 612 days left until Bush leaves office.

Need An Ice Pack?

I’m not exactly heartbroken over news that bigot-for-profit, “Reverend” Jerry Falwell has died. This is a someone that made millions and gained national fame for promoting bigotry under the guise of religious dogma. A man that routinely beat up on those who didn’t look, think, comb their hair, or love the way he saw fit. Someone that invoked the name of a God of love to spew pure hatred. A person that conveniently took an Old Testament approach to solving perceived social ills in an effort to suit his own agenda. No, I’m not sad that he’s gone. Though I didn’t hate Jerry Falwell personally, I hated his close-mindedness. His unwillingness to let go of his intolerance. His reluctance to embrace the more sympathetic, kind, and good natured position on life and his fellow man promoted in his own faith.

Noted quotes from Reverend Falwell:

“I had a student ask me, “Could the savior you believe in save Osama bin Laden?” Of course, we know the blood of Jesus Christ can save him, and then he must be executed.”

“AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”

“Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America.”

“Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.”

“Homosexuality is Satan’s diabolical attack upon the family that will not only have a corrupting influence upon our next generation, but it will also bring down the wrath of God upon America.”

“I believe that global warming is a myth. And so, therefore, I have no conscience problems at all and I’m going to buy a Suburban next time.”

“I think the Moslem faith teaches hate.”

“If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.“

“The idea that religion and politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.”

“It appears that America’s anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men’s movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.”

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts…part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

On 9/11: “I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.’”

For his sake, I hope wherever he is, they’re treating him better than he would others. As you can see, he was a man of strong convictions — and the not the least bit afraid to express his beliefs. I suppose that would be commendable if he weren’t such a hypocritical bigot.

Now walk it out…walk it out….

Kidding!

This Week In Fine Black Literature

If you didn’t get enough tawdry details about a self-important video girl’s life of orally massaging the penises of hip hop and R&B’s best and nastiest, Karrine “Don’t Call Me Superhead Although That’s How I Remain Relevant” Steffans has more coochie tales for you. Due in September, The Vixen Diaries, will see Steffans pony up even more juicy stories of her various flings while working in the industry.

I can’t say that I’m surprised despite Steffans claims that she wanted respect and to not be labeled a whore. So she passes herself off as some victim, then appears on various radio and television outlets across the country bragging on her sexual conquests to sell books. She should still be respected, right? I recall her dedicating her book to her son. I’m sure she can’t wait for her little one to have Confessions of a Video Vixen on his reading list.

This self-described “hot mama” since high school” irks the shit out of me. I didn’t read her first book. I like gossip as much as the next person, but what she does with her mouth doesn’t interest much. Maybe it has something to do with her trying to pass herself off as some heroine. She seems to be under the impression that overcoming celebrity blow jobs to writing books about giving celebrity blow jobs makes her some sort of neo-feminist. She’s about as much help to fighting misogyny in hip hop as my dick.

If you’re wondering, I’m well aware I’ll see this book on every train up and down the East Coast. I find her being a New York Times best-selling author cringe worthy, but I do thank her for proving me right about her being nothing more than an opportunistic ho.

To quote Diamond: Make that money, Karrine…but don’t let it make you.

And just in time for Mother’s Day, Donda West, mother of producer, rapper, and ego maniac, Kanye West, has a book out entitled Raising Kanye: Life Lessons From The Mother of a Hip-Hop Superstar.

How many of you are interested in learning how to raise an attention whoring prima donna with false senses of entitlement?

I’m assuming they’ll be chapters on Kanye’s addiction to porn, his not-so-secretive queen habits, his incessant need to be acknowledge, his purposely offering asinine statements to the media to get press, and his really weird obsession with Louie Vuitton ‘man bags’ and purses.

Make sure you get it gift wrapped for your mother.

Feeling Inspired?

Just watched Old Jeezy’s video for the single, “Dreamin'” featuring girlfriend and possible razor blade under the tongue carrier, Keyshia Cole. The video starts off with small children saying what they would like to be when they grow up. The goals vary: architect, doctor, basketball player, and of course a young girl named Keyshia wanting to be a singer. Lastly, the then ten-year-old “Jeezy R.” says he just wants to be alive.

I understand, but got damn. Mood killer.

Pop-Pop then proceeds to dedicate the song to anyone with a dream. A coke dealer who made a successful transition from coke dealer to rap star based off of the popularity of coke rap is telling me to not give up on my dreams.

Anyone else feeling inspired yet?

Well he did say he took his life and made it an album. I guess you can’t offer too many life lessons if that’s all you know.

Then there’s Keyshia, who we see at the end of the video doing the tried-and-true sing-a-long with the church choir scene. Nevermind only a few weeks ago the girl with the H-Ci orange inspired hair color was put on front street for messing up the words to one of the easiest gospel songs ever…on Easter Sunday no less. Surprised God didn’t edit that scene out.

Jeezy gets an A for effort, or maybe a C for coke, but this is no “I Can” — which probably means more people will relate to it. Personally, I’d only be inspired by a coke rapper if the beat went harder.

EDIT: I posted this a week ago from youtube and only now is it showing up. Step your game up, youtube!