Goodbye ’05

Edit: Looking back on what I wrote in this entry, I must have been out of my rabbit ass mind. What if I make it and US Weekly got a hold of this? Yeah, nu uh.

This is all I’m keeping from that entry.

— 12.24.07

All and all, I’ve had more ups and downs than the usual, but I’m still hanging. If anything, it’s made me stronger.

On to people who will truly appreciate me and everything that I do for them. On to building on my strengths, working on my weaknesses…but not stressing over them. On to continuing to build on what had better be one very successful career. On to bigger and bigger things in 2006.

Thank you for the reading the blog. Happy New Year.

Thank you for the reading the blog. Happy New Year.

The Cynical Awards Cont…

The This Is Not What They Call Praise Dancing Award: Beyonce and the Beyoncetts for their very well thought out lap dance at the BET Awards. “Do you like it like this? Do you like it? Do you want it? Heeeeeey!” Well I like it, I want it from Beyonce, but I’m pretty sure Michelle’s pastor didn’t like it and Sister Johnson would throw the Bible at him if he dared to even think about it. A ticket to heaven ass jiggling does not purchase.

Quit Frontin’: Mariah Carey for this picture:

Emancipate those pads, Mimi. Love you like a crazy Aunt, though.

Keepin It Hood Honors: Murry J. Blige for putting Mimi Valdes on full blast for her ET inspired cover on the night the publication bestowed the “Legends” award to her.

Shut the Hell Up: Usher. Stop talking. Just sing, bust out the same choreography you’ve been doing since My Way, and stop making me regret supporting you monetarily.

If I Had One Wish, It Would Be That You Are Never Allowed Into the Recording Booth Again: Ray J. Puberty never sounded this bad.

Best Reincarnation of the Spice Girls: The Pussycat Dolls

He’s Dead, Stop Pimpin His Music: Sean “Puffy Diddy” Combs for the Biggie Duets album. I love Biggie, but that album just isn’t what’s up.

So What The F*ck: Stevie Wonder, En Vogue, and Prince on guitar for “So What The Fuss?” Proof that you can get the most talented people in one room and still release some ole bullshit.

Don’t Try And Rap, Fool: Kevin “K-Fed/Mark From Roseanne” Federline.

You Can’t Rap or Act: Trina. “Blah blah blah blah.” So many more names could go here, though.

Skeletor: Nicole Ritchie and Victoria Beckham. If I saw a recent picture of Michael from “Good Times,” I’d add him, too. Instead, Tevin Campbell gets an honorable mention.

I’m Glad You Found Peace With God, But Please Make One More R&B Album…Shoot an EP…Lemme get something,Please: Kelly Price. I’ve always liked her voice. She can rip a gospel song, but I liked her secular music and she killed the background on a number of songs through the years.

Get Your Swagger Back Award: Jennifer Lopez. You were beautiful, you couldn’t sing a lick, but you ruled the charts, and even your terrible movies scored at the box office. Now you’re married to a man who looks like he’s been dead for six months. Go back to a well guarded block covered in white and return to your roots, J.Lo.

You Don’t Have to Act Down, People Still Like You: Tyra Banks. One more forced neck roll and I swear her head is going to spin into the atmosphere.

You Have Pull: Will and Jada. Why else is “All Of Us” still on the air?

I Can Almost Respect UPN Because of You: Chris Rock and the cast of “Everybody Hates Chris.”

You May Not Be Able To Hear, But Yo’ Ass Still Crazy: Foxy Brown. The illloonboonana.

Are You Slow?: I didn’t watch TLC’s UPN reality show, “R U The Girl…To Use While We Try to Resurrect Our Careers?” but apparently, the winner complained in a radio interview that T-Bone (I like that name better) and Chilli had no real intentions of carrying on with TLC or helping her set up a career. They only used her to promote their solo endeavors. Perish the thought.

Stop Lying: Babyface for having a new song about holding on to a relationship regardless of the problems in the midst of getting a divorce.

Shut Up Fool: Noname Debarge for appearing on the wannabe Wendy and/or Star’s morning radio show to say Janet had a secret daughter, not offering any proof. What? You can’t tell me she was holding out for Rebe’s “Centipede” money.

Take Off the Wig, Ike/Tootie/Joey Lawrence’s Character from the Nell Carter Show: Lauryn Hill. I am ecstatic to have you back, but lose the wig.

I Suppose So

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You’re a bit … unusual. And so is your blog.You’re impulsive, and you’ll often post the first thing that pops in your head.Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock… even though that’s not your intent.You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What’s” Your Blogging Personality?

The Cynical Awards

Best way to waste ten dollars: An Unfinished Life starring Morgan Freeman, Robert Redford, and Jennifer Lopez. I’m still waiting on securing those two hours of my life back.

Best way to ruin a date: Actually, it’s a tie. The first way is to talk about your crazy ex for a good hour. Yeah, I just met you…I’on care. In fact, you’re driving me crazy talking about that crazy. The second is to say part of your career goals are stupid, then insinuate you’re going to burn in hell for having them. I’d rather be in hell then listen to a zealot preach to me about my life. Go date a disciple if I bother you that much, kinfolk.

Worst imitation of a President: George W. Bush. It would take me 365 days to cover the 365 different ways he’s screwed us all over. I hope all the church goers that voted for him because they felt he was a man of God are in church right now making penance for their mistake.

Smooth Operator Award: Michael Jackson. Moonwalked right over Tom Sneedon’s case. If he didn’t owe everyone including God $7 dollars, he’d be Man of the Year.

Crackheads Rule: Bobby “The Kang of R&B” Brown and Whitney “I Swung At Him First” Houston. Of course, they’re embarrassing, but hey, I’ve liked Bobby Brown for as long as I can remember, this is the only “performance” he can still deliver.

Give It Up Honors: Ashanti. You had a nice run, but it’s pretty much over. “Tell me what is a girl to do, if she’s still on it?” I don’t know, but you’re not the girl to be posing that question right about now, are you?

Ha Ha Your Film Flopped: Get Rich Or Die Tryin. You should have died trying to find a better way to rip-off 8 Mile.

We Love Each Other, We Really Really Do: Destiny’s Child. Every single interview they note how they are sisters and that they will always be together. Every single interview. All the time. Same thing. Barney never said the word love so much on his best day.

Longest Breakup: Destiny’s Child. They’ve performed damn near 800 times under the promotion that it’s their last performance. These chicks will be performing for us ten years after they’ve each passed on.

Most Likely To Cuss-Out And/Or Stab Someone On-Air: Keyshia Cole. Mary would be proud.

Favorite Guilty Pleasure: D4L’s “Laffy Taffy.” Don’t judge me.

The I’m Not A Hermphadite Award: Ciara. That’s right, CC. You’re not a man, you’re a rip-off of Janet Jackson. Shim can dance her ass off.

Culture Hustler: Gwen Stefani. The Harujuku Girls, the obvious attempts at crossing over, and the video for “Luxurious” all prove one thing: Gwen Stefani will pimp out your way of life if it can score her a hit on the Hot 100. If she takes my “C’mon Nah” and turn it into a number one hit, I’m suing her Japanese teenage girl enslaving ass!

What The Hell: Vibe gives John Legend’s Get Lifted a classic rating. I think someone over at Vibe was lifted when they issued that rating.

I Ain’t Dead Award: Mariah Carey for The Emancipation of Mimi and Mary J. Blige for The Breakthrough. Two good albums delivered by two long written off artists. Take that, take that.

More to come.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone. See, I can be concise. 🙂

Not So Silent Night

I’ve been watching my niece all week and of course, the child wants Jack n The Box. I mean, why would she want food in the house (Well I’m not even sure if we have any) when we have 800 Jack n The Box’s in a five mile radius, right?

Anywho, I’m in the car listening to the radio (sigh) and I hear a Christmas song. The song title? Yeah, I don’t know, but I suppose the word drunk is in the title.

All I want for Christmas is to get drunk
All I want for Christmas is to get it get it crunk

Then there are a couple of lines about wishing to be Jay-Z so they can get in Beyonce’s draws and something about erasing those two felonies. Oh, can’t forget about some random no name chick bawking about what birds always cackle over.

My Houston people, is this a local song? I wouldn’t be shocked if it was. I mean, I’m no prude. I enjoyed the way Outkast flipped the Christmas spirt for the Laface Christmas album. Shoot, I wouldn’t even mind “Santa Do The Jigglator” (Don’t steal my idea), or a D4L remix like “Shake That Holiday Candy Cane.” But, “All I want for Christmas is to get drunk?” Not so much.

And what song followed this soon to be holiday classic? T-Pain’s “I’m In Love With A Stripper.” Very festive.

Proof The Year In Music Sucked

Rolling Stone has confirmed what I knew all along: 2005 was an awful year for music. Below is their top 50 albums of the year.

1. Kanye West, Late Registration
2. The Rolling Stones, A Bigger Bang
3. White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan
4. Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine
5. Bruce Springsteen, Devils and Dust
6. My Morning Jacket, Z
7. Beck, Guero
8. Bright Eyes, I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning
9. Sufjan Stevens, Illinois
10. 50 Cent, The Massacre
11. M.I.A., Arular
12. Sleater-Kinney, The Woods
13. Various Artists, Run the Road
14. Thelonious Monk Quartet With John Coltrane, At Carnegie Hall
15. Gorillaz, Demon Days
16. John Legend, Get Lifted
17. Van Morrison, Magic Time
18. Kings of Leon, Aha Shake Heartbreak
19. The Magic Numbers, The Magic Numbers
20. System of a Down, Mezmerize/Hypnotize
21. Common, Be
22. Madonna, Confessions on a Dance Floor
23. Paul McCartney, Chaos and Creation in the Backyard
24. The Mars Volta, Frances the Mute
25. Young Jeezy, Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101
26. Queens of the Stone Age, Lullabies to Paralyze
27. Stevie Wonder, A Time to Love
28. The Hold Steady, Separation Sunday
29. Franz Ferdinand, You Could Have It So Much Better
30. Foo Fighters, In Your Honor
31. Amadou and Mariam, Dimanche a Bamako
32. The Go! Team, Thunder, Lightening, Strike
33. Antony and the Johnsons, I Am a Bird Now
34. Paul Wall, The Peoples Champ
35. LCD Soundsystem, LCD Soundsystem
36. The Perceptionists, Black Dialogue
37. Missy Elliott, The Cookbook
38. Dungen, Ta Det Lugnt
39. Annie, Anniemal
40. Neil Young, Prairie Wind
41. Keyshia Cole, The Way It Is
42. Living Things, Ahead of the Lions
43. Mariah Carey, The Emancipation of Mimi
44. Daddy Yankee, Barrio Fino
45. The Rough Guide to the Music of the Sahara
46. The Willowz, Talk In Circles
47. Wide Right, Sleeping on the Couch
48. Kaiser Chiefs, Employment
49. Damian Marley, Welcome to Jamrock
50. Stars, Set Yourself on Fire

Read it and weep.

I’m Over Hillary

Over at the Huffington Post, Bill Maher comments on Senator Hillary Clinton’s mission to tack on to the center for dear life. It started a few months ago when she tried to appease both pro-choice and pro-lifers, failing miserably with both. She’s since worked with another likely Democratic Presidential nominee in Senator Evan Bayh and Republican best-friend Senator Joe “Bush Is My Homie” Lieberman to end the sell of violent video games to children. She’s also co-sponsoring an anti-flag burning bill —- an issue I’m sure her staff is pushing to the forefront of New York state politics, since y’know, that’s all she’s really thinking about right now.

I think Kurt Andersen of New York magazine’s article, “Hillary Clinton Running For President Makes Her Even Less likeable” captures my sentiments perfectly. Ever the skilled politician like her husband, Hillary is doing whatever it takes to pander to both sides in order to put her best face forward, hoping to pull in enough from support each side to win the election in 2008. Couple of problems with that, though.

For one, the right hates her and will always hate her. As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, they’ll likely paint her as a feminist (which is almost an ugly a term as liberal in America), a lesbian, and God knows what else. Hillary, dear: They hate you, stop trying to make friends.

Another problem with this little ditty of a strategy is that her pandering to the right/center pisses off her once enthusiastic liberal base. The loathe her for her position on Iraq and her reluctance to really hammer the Bush administration on their mishandeling of the war. Not only is there an anti-war challenge to her second term as Senator of New York from her own party, but George Clooney is pissed at her, too. George Clooney, y’all. Democrats need not anger the Hollywood crowd that loves to shell out the loot.

What’s even worse, Hillary is not the charmer like her husband. I’m no longer the biggest Bill Clinton fan around, but the man is very much likeable. The southern accent, penchant for jazz and soul food, and warm grin easily rell the people in. Hillary is…I don’t know…just there. I mean, I like her, but hey, most people still fawn over her husband, so clearly there’s a problem there.

Lastly, triangulation is dated. It worked in the 90s, it doesn’t work right now. Yeah, yeah, most people usually vote somewhere in the middle, but now more than ever the country is divided on issues that leave very little room for compromise. I may not agree with conservatives, but I respect the fact that most of them they stick to their guns.

No, she doesn’t have to sit in a room with Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon to appease me, but does she have to embrace Newt Gingrich and share a stage with Rick Santorum in a foolish attempt to win over conservatives?

She says nothing concret about any hot-bed issue. Why? Because she’s more concerned with how she’ll appear than what she believes in. I understand this comes with entering the political arena, but that’s exactly why so many people are disconnected with politics in this country. She’s every bit the opportunist her husband is — and that’s just not going to fly a second time around.

What does Hillary believe in? Tell me your answer, and maybe I’ll re-consider that “Hillary in ’08” t-shirt order. In the meantime, I’ll continue mocking the Democrats in what is looking to be yet another humiliating defeat.

Someone Really Wants A Film Career

I gather since In The Mix was everything but at the box office, Usher’s on to plan J to jumpstart his movie career. Since Usher doesn’t strike me as the most secure person (I believe he masks his insecurities under the guise of arrogance, hiding everything else under his nose), I don’t doubt the crafty individuals over at the Church of Scientology (Planet Zerk , stand up!… kidding) will convince him to join the fold. And I’m almost certain Tom Cruise and John Travolta will just adore him. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Enjoy worshipping a spaceship. Ush.

And Katie, I only have one word of advice for you: RUN!

Big Brother Is Watching

If you’ve marched against the Iraq war or flashed a peace sign during a rally, the Pentagon may be keeping an eye on you.

Really? I’m shocked. Not our dear democracy-promoting government. And certainly not this administration. I mean they value a good protest as much as the next Soviet. I know, I attended one back in January. Sure, law enforcement and barricades pushed away inauguration protesters nearly into Maryland, but the President saw us from afar. He smiled and everything. I’m sure he was thinking, “I’m Gon Git You Sucka,” but he acknowledged us all the same from inside his ride that was surrounded by a sea of gun-toting ready to bust a cap Secret Service Men. I guess I should take comfort in not being clubbed over the head and thank God I live in such a beacon of theo—err—democracy.

According to an MTV Think article and a segment that aired on “NBC Nightly News,” it seems like the military has been building a secret (well so much for that) database that includes information on all Americans who have attended peace demonstrations or have publicly opposed the war in Iraq. I always love a good throwback, and what better way for our government to get in on the fun than with a tribute to good old fashioned military-sponsored surveillance programs on its own citizens?

I’m looking for a “I Survived COINTELPRO” t-shirt on eBay as I write this entry. I bet it will look nice with any random Uncle Mike Mike’s Kangol.

The Pentagon refused to comment to NBC News, but a spokesperson did say:

“The Department of Defense uses counterintelligence and law enforcement information properly collected by law enforcement agencies. … The use of this information is subject to strict limitations, particularly the information must be related to missions relating to protection of DoD installations, interests and personnel.”

Is this code for “Don’t even think about protesting, stay your ass at home!?”

The Pentagon had previously acknowledged the existence of a domestic counterintelligence program known as the Threat and Local Observation Notice (TALON) reporting system. That system is designed to gather “non-validated threat information and security anomalies indicative of possible terrorist pre-attack activity.”

It’s nice to put a name with a stalker. With the Patriot Act in full effect and it’s meaner sibling Patriot Act II on the way, I’m debating on taking a trip over to Google to key in the words “dual citizenship.”

And isn’t it nice to find this article on MTV’s site of all places? We wouldn’t want the youth of America doing anything silly like protesting an unjust and highly unsuccessful war now would we? It’s better we scare them sooner than later. Smooth.