Lame Of The Week

Separated at birth?

Moving on, there’s really no eloquent or PC way of saying of this: Game has bitch tendencies.

When he’s not going at women who’ve done nothing to him, ponying up delusions of hip hop grandeur, or whining about Dr. Dre and 50 Cent for the millionth time, he’s bragging about sexual escapades that probably never even happened on the radio like a 16-year-old overweight and socially isolated boy who finally got his first mercy fuck.

Click here to listen to underwhelming emcee reveal to Funkmaster Flex that he did the “two finger split” (his words, not mine) to Vida Guerra.

“I never smashed it, but I did bang it and smash it,” Game tells Flex.

By no means am I defending his crybaby misogynist, but you would think if he were going to kiss and tell, he’d actually have something to tell.

No wonder his punk ass wasn’t picked on Change of Heart.

Put It Together And What Have You Got?

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Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo

Shorty Wanna Be A Thug

Sigh.

Far be it from me to tell someone how to raise their child, but Monica’s son, Lil’ Rock, as she loves to call him, looks like he’s already jacking his classmates for their Capri Suns at lunch time.

I wonder what baby’s first words were? Snitch maybe? I can only image the kid’s first sentence: “That’s my big wheel now, bitch!”

Earlier in the week, Monica updated fans on her whereabouts – including details on Lil Rock’s Christmas:

…AND TELL YOU SOME OF THE THINGS I’VE BEEN DOING. FOR STARTERS I TRULY ENJOYED THE HOLIDAYS. MY SON(RODNEY) REALLY MADE CHRISTMAS MERRY. HE’S QUITE A FAN OF ELMO SO I REALLY WENT OVER BOARD ON THAT, AND I THINK HIS REAL FAVORITE IS HIS CADILLAC TRUCK THAT HE DRIVES AT TOP SPEED AND WE SING “THROW SOME D’S ON IT” BY RICH BOY

Fitting she types in all caps given the fact that most of her new material leads one to believe she’ll bust a cap at a moment’s notice. Why do I get the feeling that this song, which includes the hook, “Throw some D’s on that bitch” is what the little toddler listens to before going to bed?

Maybe it’s just me, but I would think with an ex-boyfriend on parole, and another ex-boyfriend who sold drugs that ultimately killed himself, Monica would choose not to dress her child like he’s hiding baby’s first glock in his pants.

Or maybe Monica just loves the No Limit era so much that she’s decided to dress her child like an extra from the “Make Em’ Say Uhh” video until he’s old enough to decide he’s going to continue dressing that way until he’s forced to put on an orange jump suit.

If you’re wondering, no, I’m not classist. I am not a product of suburbia, which is probably what makes me even more confused. I grew up around people who dress their kids exactly the way Monica does. Why? Because they think it’s cute. The only difference between them and Monica is that it’s harder for them to escape that mindset because they haven’t been anywhere and haven’t been encouraged to think there’s more to life than what’s around them. I can’t say the same for Monica, whose had success and been all over the world so you would think she’d realize there was more to life than glocks, hustling, tattoos, and the hood. I guess I’m expecting too much. I suppose that’s not real enough.

Monica’s most mature album was released nearly 12 years ago. It’s not a coincidence that she her career peaked nearly a decade ago.

Monica has gone from gracing the cover of Teen People standing in-between Britney Spears and Nick Carter to a feature in Vibe where she talks about wanting to get the new glock.

I’ve always liked her, but I’ll never understand why doesn’t a lot of what she and other glorify get old after a while? And I’ll never get why do people like her choose to live a life they didn’t have to live while others not afforded that option search desperately for ways to get out.

So gone indeed.

Her career is turning into a real life sketch of “When Keepin’ It Real Goes Wrong.”

She’s gone from the next Whitney to the new Bobby.

No one send this to the Black Widow of Atlanta, please. I don’t want to die.

All Praise Him?

Leaders of the Church of Scientology have found their savior in Tom Cruise. Media outlets across the Atlantic are reporting that leaders of the controversial church consider Tom Cruise their “chosen one,” dubbing him a Christ-like entity for the faith.

According to leader David Miscavige, Cruise will one day be worshipped the way Jesus is now for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

The article also claims a source close to Tom Cruise says he Cruise already been informed of his status. I wonder whose couch he leaped on in celebration. The source adds: “Like Christ, he has been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right.”

And that special day will occur on the same day the aliens the faith’s founder L. Ron Hubbard claims the human race stems from makes a pit stop in North Dakota to pick up a few supplies.

I have a hard time believing this, as everyone knows Jesus hates the homos. Kidding! I swear! Don’t rebuke or black list me!

I bet five that Pope Benedict XVI will have Tom Cruise bitch slapped by year’s end.

For the record, I would like to take the time to reveal that I am the new Dali lama (Free Tibet, pimpin’!), Prince is the new Greek God, Zeus, and Karrine Steffans is the Virgin Video Vixen.

Brooke Shields and Matt Lauer alternate as Satan.

She’s At It Again

It seems the ultimate war wages on between Rosie O’Donnell’s big foot and her even bigger mouth. This time Rosie’s pissed at the judges of American Idol for what she feels was humiliating criticism of two prospective contestants. Hmm, I don’t know how else to describe them other than that one guy that resembled Cartman from South Park, and his friend, the guy that looked like an extra from Lord of the Rings.

Click me.

Edit: Youtube has removed two of the links. Haters.

Notice how Rosie chastises Simon, Paula, and Randy for mocking the two contestants’ physical features, yet she insinuates Paula Abdul is drunk on the job with her one eye wandering reference.

You’re mad at Paula for making fun of people on national television so what do you do in return? You make fun of people on national television, of course.

This must be why Rosie is lauded as one of the kinder souls in entertainment, right?

I understand that she’s on a talk show and that format permits her to give opinion after opinion after opinion. My only thing about Rosie is that she’s a hypocrite in every sense of the word.

Since she left Simon and Randy out, I guess we’ll stick with her criticism of Paula. So Paula is wrong for laughing at two contestants with the musical ability of someone that’s been dead for six months, but it’s ok to mock someone possibly suffering from addiction? I guess in Rosie’s eyes it is ok, since this is the same person that used to blast former View co-host Star Jones for not revealing the details of her weight loss, but never once owned up to the fact that she used to lie about her sexuality on her own daytime talk show years prior.

The same Rosie who called Regis and Kelly co-host Kelly Ripa a homophobe for her words with Idol contestant Clay Aiken, though Aiken himself has denied being gay – which basically means Rosie outed him.

If you’ve seen the show a couple of times over the years, you would know Paula isn’t the least bit malicious. Moreover, you know that more times than not, many of these prospective contestants know they have no musical talent, but still choose to go on the show and face public berating for the sake of gaining a small taste of notoriety.

And these “poor applicants” Rosie’s championing for appeared on the Today Show earlier this morning. The Today Show wanted to spotlight Idol producers “exploitation” of those two by exploiting them on their own network.

Both didn’t seem too troubled. They already have agents lined up and plan to go into movies. Oh, and they must have enjoyed appearing on Jimmy Kimmel, because they mentioned it several times in the few minutes air time they had.

Paula, call Donald. Allow him to be your new MC Skat Kat and let him pop it right back to Rosie. You’re not nearly as bad as she’s making you out to be.

Gisele: My Family Helped Me Starve?

Gisele Bundchen: En route to Popeye’s

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen has chimed in on the current debate over models, body image, and eating disorders. According to Gisele, the fashion industry, the media, and as Mo’nique would put it, evil skinny bitches, aren’t to blame for some models having poor body image issues that leads them developing eating disorders in order to maintain a twig-like frame. Just who is to blame?

“I never suffered this problem because I had a very strong family base. The parents are responsible, not fashion,” the model told a local Brazilian paper.

The model goes on to add: “Everybody knows the standard for models is to be thin, but you can’t generalize and say that all models are anorexic.”

She has a point. It is wrong to generalize. However, the stretch to insinuate that the pressure to be thin is what causes so many models to develop eating disorders is about as wide as her waist.

And not to deal a low (or high) blow to Gisele, but while she didn’t suffer the pressure to be thin (because she’s naturally a waif), she did succumb to some pressures obviously, since she has two special friends in her chest that have helped her earn her fortune.

She’s in a bit of denial if she doesn’t see the correlation between the thin-is-eternally-in fashion industry and the models starving themselves or purging to fit the mold. But, given that she probably doesn’t eat much, there’s probably not enough air going to hear head for her to think it all the way through anyway. Understandable.

Has watching America’s Top Model taught us nothing? That’s exactly why third season Top Model contestant Toccara Jones was robbed: the fashion industry hates curvy women.

She was just too much woman for Tyra to love. Strange’, Tocarra. Strange’

Don’t Bother Saying Anything Nice Challenge

Look I like Fantasia, but this is one of the ugliest covers I have ever seen in my life. And then they have the nerve to have the words be beautiful next to Fantasia on a cover like this. She looks uncomfortable and unappealing. Like a cross between New York from Flavor of Love and Seabert.

Also, while I have your attention, can someone explain these two to me or should I go ahead and post the lyrics to “Black Girl Lost?”

This Week In Bigotry

Welcome to this week in bigotry, where I highlight all of the expressions of racist, homophobic, and sexist sentiments that make this country so grand — for the idiot sect of the American population anyway. To the rest of us it just reminds us that people should value contraceptives. Just kidding. Well, no, not really.

Let us begin with, Frank D. Hargrove, a member of the Virginia state legislature. In a newspaper interview published on Tuesday, Hargrove said slavery ended nearly 140 years ago with the Civil War and added that “our black citizens should get over it.”

The 79-year-old Republican lawmaker (though he looks old enough to have actually owned slaves) also posed a smart ass rhetorical question in bigot-like manner: He asked whether Jews should also apologize for the crucifixion of Christ.

In a shock to all, Hargrove also opposes a pending House resolution that would have the state of Virginia issue an apology for slavery.

Protesters are calling for Hargrove to be censured. I propose he work the fields picking cotton day in and day out for four hundred years then have his children and their children, and their children’s children subjected to a century of government-sponsored laws reducing him to second class citizenship. I’m undecided on affirmative action, school admission, and negative campaign ads highlighting his melanin count and possible dabbles in miscegenation.

Next person lined-up is Grey’s Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington. As you’ve been told over and over again in the media, Washington got into an altercation with co-star Patrick Dempsey over Washington’s referencing other Grey’s co-star, T.R. Knight, a faggot.

On Monday, however, when asked about the incident, Washington denied it by answering reporters, saying, “No I did not call T.R. Knight a faggot.”

Genius. That’s like Hargrove apologizing with, “I’m sorry niggers, slavery was really bad.”

Of course, Knight has already appeared on Ellen to confirm the incident did in fact take place, making Washington a liar.

Washington has since issued an apology:

“I apologize to T.R., my colleagues, the fans of the show and especially the lesbian and gay community for using a word that is unacceptable in any context or circumstance.

“By repeating the word Monday night, I marred what should have been a perfect night for everyone who works on ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ I can neither defend nor explain my behavior.

“I can also no longer deny to myself that there are issues I obviously need to examine within my own soul, and I’ve asked for help.

“I know the power of words, especially those that demean. I realize that, by using one filled with disrespect, I have hurt more than T.R. and my colleagues. With one word, I’ve hurt everyone who has struggled for the respect so many of us take for granted.”

Washington once portrayed a gay man in the Spike Lee-directed film, Get On The Bus.

And rounding out this week in bigotry is Puffy (sorry I’m nostalgic) getting the time honored “____ wake up call.”

Puffy was denied entrance to a Golden Globes after party held at the Sunset Tower Hotel in Los Angeles. He and a security guard got into a very heated discussion over him not being allowed into the event. According to TMZ, five minutes after Puffy arrived, Golden Globe winner and The Queen star Helen Mirren was admitted with open arms. A 65-year-old woman was allowed into an after party before the man who will spend thousands of dollars on alcohol for random people just to prove how fantastic he is to all.

When I first read about this, I had already put together a scene in my mind that concluded with the security guard telling Puffy, “take that, take that.” But, since I can infer what is the root behind all of this, such jokes can’t be fully thought out.

That’s this week in bigotry, folks.

We Shall Overcome…Someday

In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., let us offer you po’ black folk some chicken. Not even white meat, the better quality chicken, but dark meat, that nasty shit they sell in hoods all over cheaply anyway on any given day of the week. Do you know what happens when you eat too much dark meat?

“I can do for you what Martin did for the people.” — Beyonce Knowles

You start making dumb comments like these made by Beyonce. Take note.

In any event, it’s the thought that counts, and right now I’m thinking about how I’d love to chunk a burnt biscuit at the head of whatever genius came up with this great idea.

Here you might learn something new about Dr. King. Here you can read how his anti-war message is still being spread across the nation at a time when it’s needed most. And here, you can watch an interview with Yolanda, his daughter speaking on her father’s legacy.

Thank you, Dr. King. We still have a ways to go, as evidenced by that coupon and articles like these.

Lieberman Pulls The Ultimate Hoe Move

I know politics doesn’t rank high on many people’s favorite list of topics, so I know there’s a strong chance I might have already lost a good number of you with the picture of Bush kissing his main piece in the Senate. I would invite you to allow me a chance to make this political rant entertaining yet informative, however.

I’ll start by getting to the theme of this entry: Senator Joseph Lieberman is a bitch.

Bush’s bitch. A selfish bitch. A backpedaling bitch. And worst of all, a lying bitch.

Why such venom directed at the bitch? Last year, after Joe Lieberman, an incumbent, lost the Democratic primary to political novice and anti-war candidate, Ned Lamont, he stubbornly remained in the election, failing to acknowledge the obvious: Democrats in Connecticut don’t like his punk ass.

Remaining in the election as an independent, Lieberman promised voters that, if elected, he would see to it that hearings would be held on the Bush administration’s gross mishandling of the events following Hurricane Katrina.

One of things Lieberman’s bitch ass (keeping in mind with the theme of the entry) complained about most was the failure to turn over key records that would shed light on internal White House operations, some of which include President Bush.

Last year, on the campaign trail, Lieberman was a vocal critic of the administration’s mishandling of natural disaster. He was especially dismayed by its failure to turn over key records that could shed light on internal White House deliberations about what to do in the hurricane’s aftermath, some of which include President Bush.

Some of this information has been leaked to the press. Here you can read various emails sent out during the crisis, all of which suggest the following: idiots run the country.

Of course, there is much more information out there, all of which likely expose the incompetence of this administration even further. However, don’t count on Lieberman anymore. Newsweek has revealed that Lieberman has pulled the ultimate bitch move (Does repeatedly saying bitch makes this more an interesting read? I hope so, as it’s what I’m counting on.) and stepped away from plans to push Bush and co. to release documents highlighting their stupidity – stupidity that led to the death of hundreds of people.

Why? According to his spokesperson, Senator Lieberman (the bitch) would like to focus on more pressing matters like the security of the American people. That’s code for I’d rather dick-ride the buffoon-in-chief on plan number 75 to save us from the think less war we engaged in Iraq than keep my word and work on seeing that people are never treated this poorly again.

Of course, Lieberman has responded to the Newsweek article. A summation: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You can respond to his response here. I myself have been contemplating on how to respond. So far all I have is copying and pasting these lyrics and sending them to the Senator.

I hope I have done my part to make political stories more relatable.