Bitch Grow Up: Bow Wow

Disclaimer: Lots and lots of cussin’ in this here post. I will wash my hands with soap as soon as I finish posting.

I don’t like this lil’ ign’t sum bitch and here’s an example of why. I’m sure there’s a much more eloquent way of stating such, but why bother.

Perhaps it’s the part of me that hates misogynistic jackasses, or maybe it’s the little voice inside my head that says thou shalt hate all lames, but this video irks the hell out of me. Not only is the idea of someone owing you sex sophomoric, the fact that Bow Wow calls out some girl by her government online is a bitch move.

He acts like a little boy. A stupid, corny little one at that. There is nothing worse than a fake ass thug. He can get all the tats in the world and put on airs that he’s harder than he actually is, but he will forever be Lil’ Bow Wow and being a classless clown won’t change any of that. Neither will impersonating Lil’ Wayne, which he seems to be doing in this video.

One would think he’d concentrate more on developing himself as an actor since that’s the only viable career option he has left. Sampling TLC isn’t going to save your career.

I hope Dolicia and/or Omarion smack the shit out of him.

Get By

If you’re somewhere between the age of 18-34 and belong to a social network, it’s likely within the last week you’ve received at least seven notes and/or emails with someone telling you 25 things about themselves that you didn’t know before. I thought to join in, but eh I doubt ya’ll care. So instead of me going that route I’ve remixed the theme.

Here are 20 jobs you ought to consider during the recession. If you’re looking for the other five…well, we are in a severe recession.

1. Selling ass.

Look, I get that the body is a temple, and that hoeing is not the ideal career choice, but since we’re talking about temples, dignity doesn’t pay the rent.

2. Stripping.

Same as selling ass, only this option is for those who haven’t hit rock bottom yet. The only thing about this job is though working the pole will surely keep you with a home, in these tough economic times you may end up having people hurl roles of quarters at you instead of singles. It may hurt at first, but think of Coinstar.

3. Selling drugs.

Problem with this one is that it’s illegal. Technically so is prostitution, but whatever to persecuting victimless crimes. Anyway, another hurdle is that while selling coke is usually the best way to keep you afloat, people would rather pay their VISA bill. I thought to suggest crack, but hmm, there’s a bit of a discrepancy in the sentencing laws. As a Black man, I’m no fool. Sell Advil to stress victims instead.

4. Sponsorship.

Unlike selling ass, you may not have to give up anything. I’m looking for one everyday of my life. That includes corporations, of course.

5. Cutting grass.

You can call it ‘landscaping’ if that makes you feel better about it, but you’re pushing a lawn mower. I remember back in high school my Pre-Cal teacher told me I was going to end up cutting grass for pursuing a journalism degree. I told him he had me fucked up. Yes, I said it exactly like that. All of the magnet kids (I wasn’t one of them) gasped, but shiiiiit, that was offensive. Then again, maybe not. I’ve noticed that while Pedro and ‘nem may look like they’re not stacking paper, they tend to live in better homes than the people they cut for.

6. Recycling newspapers.

I say recycle instead of selling them because no one actually buys the paper anymore. No offense, New York Times.

7. Open a taqueria.

I honestly don’t have a clue as to what that is, but I see signs for them all around my city. Hell, every city with a sizable population. It’s the new Kim’s Beauty Supply.

8. Launch a rap career.

Oh you thought I was kidding about Young Sinick? No. All I need to do now is come up with a signature dance and a beat that sounds like it was inspired by down syndrome and I’ll be getting that ringtone money. I’m feeling inspired by the “Stanky Leg.” Maybe I can my dance the lazy arm, or better yet, turrets?

9. Become a bartender.

It’s selling drugs the legal way.

10. Participate in medical studies.

If you grow an extra toe, just think of all of the bills you paid off.

11. Get knocked up by Diddy Puff.

Ladies, I normally would judge you for poking a hole through a condom, but judging from his 79 kids I don’t think he wears them anyway.

12. Become Lil’ Wayne’s cup holder.

Seems like steady work.

13. Join a reality show.

Granted, you won’t make anything on the show, but if you act the fool enough on the cameras, you can make money off club appearances. Or even get your own spin-off.

14. Become the bootleg man.

Although I say bootleg man, women, you’re just as welcomed. In fact, two weeks ago at the gas station somebody’s mama was trying to sell me Tyler Perry Goes To Jail. No, she didn’t really have it, but she was trying to fill up her tank and get up on that Tuesday special at Church’s across the street. I ain’t mad. Just don’t bootleg my shit in the future.

15. Lose your mind and start getting a check from the government.

Major, the neighborhood crackhead and schizophrenic walks around all day asking people to buy him a beer. Turns out, his crazy ass gets a check. Whether or not he knows this is still a mystery, but hey, disability is steady income. Take your meds and you’ll survive.

16. Sell Obama t-shirts.

Dude already has like 100+ shirts on the market. Not even including the ones with the ironed own images and letters. He is the new 2 Pac. Get it on the money.

17. Sell sperm/eggs.

My only problem with this is that I get the feeling as soon as I make my first million, 88 kids claiming to be mine would pop up for back child support. Women get more for eggs than men do for sperm. I’ve heard women have sold their eggs for upwards of several thousand dollars. Men probably only get enough to buy two knock off Obama tees.

18. Work at a restaurant.

Then steal the meat and become your very own grocery store.

19. Become a nanny.

My friend told me yesterday she saw a listing for a nanny for $75,000. Babysitting little bad ass pale kids pays, ya’ll.

20. Get a rich person to adopt you.

Different than having a sugar daddy and mama in that you’re getting tossed a little cash to be someone’s tax break and won’t have to hum “Touch My Body” to would be prospective buyers.

Lil Louie

A part of me appreciates Kanye West for being so left field. Even if I wouldn’t model my hair after a biker named Big Sal or Pepe Le Pew, you have to admire someone willing to walk around with a nappy mullet. Wait, no you don’t. He looks the fool. Pity the fool even. As in if Mr. T’s hair gave birth to a son, it would probably look like Kanye West in this picture. I don’t care how ahead of the curve he’s purported to be. That shit is wrong.

And maybe I’m not that materialistic, but I don’t get the guy’s obsession with Louie Vuitton. He talks about Louie Vuitton to the point where I wonder if he could get his Louie bag pregnant, would he?

A message from kwest on Vimeo.

Then there’s that video. Whenever you want to cut for dude, he throws out some bullshit like this. I suppose it’s all about what makes you happy, and no one needs to smile more than this guy. I get that it’s in jest, and I’ve learned not to take him seriously, but I still think Martin Luther King III ought to sit on Kanye.

The more I hear him talk about how great he is, the more I think he’s got to be one of the most insecure people in the public eye. Maybe on Earth. We all have our insecurities. Some of us are a bit more pressed to make you believe otherwise, though.

I’m not the fashionista Kanye is, and maybe that’s why I don’t get it. Artists are free spirits, and it doesn’t get any freer than this picture below.

Either they’re really forward thinking with their fashion or they’re auditioning for the gay mafia. The latter would explain why Kanye comes across as an annoying queen at times. So is Kanye just ahead of his time, am I a victim of close minded stereotyping, or does he need a hug? I’m thinking there’s a little truth in each.

I’m passing on dropping $600 for these, but the hood won’t. Oh and while I have your attention, check out this great essay on Kanye the homie Clove wrote for The Village Voice.

“I’m The Ish” (NSFW)

Meet my new obsession. Club music isn’t for everyone, but in Baltimore’s defense, we’ve all danced to a lot worse. Besides, if go-go can get a little mainstream love via a watered down form presented in an Amerie single, then it’s about time the sound of B-More spread outside of Murrlyn. When I first arrived to D.C., I kept hearing what sounded like a toothless man yelling over his kids banging pots and pans. You would think whenever people drove by me blasting go-go that they were waving a gun as I ducked as if it were shooting hollow points.

Eventually, a Baldamo resident would introduce me to club music. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of a remix of Dora the Explorer that Coco and Diamond could make their rent money off of, but I warmed to it. It’s not like the Dora theme song by itself didn’t already knock.

And then just days ago I stumbled along this beautiful ignorant gem. If I haven’t mentioned it before, yeah I can read and shit, but you can’t twirk to a book. Sometimes the best anti-depressant is a good jig. That’s why I no longer hate the stanky leg. When I first heard the song way back last year I thought I was too old and too tall for it.

Then I went out to a bar and watched a bunch of people my age and up act a fool when the song came on — including a bunch of waitresses in booty shorts doing it on top of tables. If you’re wondering, no, I didn’t join them. Yes, I thought about it, but I was sober so nah, pimpin’. There’s always next time, though.

I bring up “The Stanky Leg” because a resident of Bodymore talked about how ignorant the song was. Well, “I’m The Ish” isn’t exactly Alice Walker to a club beat, but it’s such a fun song.

So after listening to this are ya’ll questioning my taste or are you like me, taking breaks to type to finish dancing? Hopefully, this catches on and hopefully Baltimore gets credit for the song and not anyone else. Ill refrain from calling out certain cities for swagger jacking from other cities.

Show Me ID

When I first watched Saved By The Bell: The New Class I had two instant reactions. The first being the show was the wackest thing I’ve ever seen in my life (at the time anyway); the other being the Black dude is clearly the new Lisa Turtle. And as fate would have it boy Lisa has returned to our television screens via the “reality” show (ha!), Brothers to Brutha.

Outside of him being a serious alcoholic with a volatile temper, I don’t really have a problem with Anthony. I’m actually quite happy to see an ex-child star still alive. Then I heard he was claiming to be my age and that’s when he lost me. I understand that he’s not alone in the industry in terms of lying about his age, but did it not dawn on him that people might remember him?

I don’t doubt for a second that any one of you can hop on Google now and find out what I ate 6 years ago in high school during C-lunch so I’m wondering why Anthony and the other senior citizens didn’t think the public would find out they’re more so B2K’s uncles than slightly older brothers.

To be fair when Uncle Anthony says, “As long as you’re doing good music, who cares how old you are?” he’s dead on. I wish more artists would age gracefully. 30 is not the new 20. 30 is just the new mid-life crisis. That being said, if your age doesn’t matter, then why lie about it?

But judging from their stats, those dudes have a lot more to worry about. “I Can’t Hear The Music” can pretty much sums up their record sales. That’s a shame, too, considering we’ve gone from a previous decade of so many talented male R&B groups to none (and yes, I specifically mean Pretty Ricky). Brutha didn’t help matters with their choice of first single. Not to mention them always singing that cringe-inducing “He’s my brother and I love him like myself.” Blah.

That song is almost as bad as Anthony lying about needing rehab and a walker. Almost.

Go Back In Time

I’ll never forget the first time I saw the promotional poster for Hardcore. My initial reaction was more of a question: Why did this chick have more weight in her bikini bottom than her top? Despite that mystery for the then inquisitive 12-year-old, I took to Lil’ Kim. There’s something about a person not afraid to be who they are no matter what people say that’s so appealing.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember how charismatic Lil’ Kim was, how much stage presence she had, and how great a performer she used to be. It’s even harder to remember how naturally beautiful she was now that she looks like the love child of Miss Swan and a switch blade. Kim can complain all she wants about Naturi’s portrayal in Notorious, but that time would be much better spent in front of a mirror cursing herself out for all she’s done to ruin her own legacy. Or she could flip herself off for actually wanting Christina Milian to portray her.

If only she had stuck with the plastic version of herself that Diana Ross found so titillating that she had to cop a feel on national television. Better yet, if only someone had told her that she didn’t need to chop her face up with a Ginsu knife to begin with.

I stumbled along this clip a few weeks ago. How long did Rolanda’s talk show last? Two weeks? Doesn’t matter. Enjoy Lil’ Kim when she actually looked like Lil’ Kim and actually spit versus whatever she calls herself doing these days.

Sidenote: I hope the girl in this clip didn’t grow up with two sets of twins with four different daddies.

At Long Last

I think I’ve made my thoughts on Barack Obama, his candidacy, and what it means to me and people with melanin abundantly clear already.

If not, check out these posts and catch up:

This one and that one.

That being said, I’m not going to further rant on how geeked I was to see someone who looks like me be sworn in as President of the United States. However, I will say this: Shout out to all of the slim men in cyberspace. This is our year! Fall back, chub chubs and thinphobics, we taking over!

Moving on, as you know the entire Obama family loves them some Beyonce. (Proof: Here, here and here), so it was to be expected she would find a way to use her Creole Power to secure some airtime. Although some of you are like, “Damn, chick go away,” I think we all should be happy she took part in the festivities as she had some serious making up to do.

I’ll never forget the day Destiny’s Child performed at George Bush’s inauguration and told the audience, “Let me hear you say Bush.” I was hoping Bushwick Bill would magically fly on stage and dropkick her in the forehead for that. All is forgiven now, though. Not because she vehemently supported Barack Obama. That helps, but what really gets me is 1:27 in the video.

Say what you will about Barack, but Beyonce saying she wants to be smarter is change we can all believe in. That makes me forgive the Obama campaign for hitting my inbox up every other second on near crack head like levels. I’m doubling my financial contribution for the reelection campaign.

By The Way…

Go here and leave some love.

Would ‘preciate it.

Tell Me

1. What does Teyana Taylor actually do again?

2. Will Lil’ Kim ever hop off of Biggie’s dead dick?

3. Did ya’ll know Chris Brown has been practicing “Single Ladies” routine at his house?

4. She may claim to be now clean, but does Amy Winehouse realize we know she’s about as drug free as a blunt?

5. Do you think it’s dawned on 50 Cent that he’s fast approaching Ja Rule status?

6. Will Sarah Palin ever fade into oblivion like all of the other failed Vice Presidential candidates?

7. Can we retire the word swagger or at least let it take an extended vacation?

8. Although the gay rumors must be annoying, is Ne-Yo helping his cause when he says things like, “Prince made me feel like a school girl?”

9. Speaking of Ne-Yo, am I the only one who feels that if you’ve heard one Ne-Yo the Negro song, you’ve heard them all?

10. Don’t you feel a little bad for Brandy?

11. Does Prince owe Rihanna child support?

12. Was Seven Pounds supposed to be a voyeuristic equivalent of a sleeping pill?

13. Since there’s a 22-year-old selling her virginity to the highest bidder online, I’m thinking about selling my self-respect online via Craiglist. How much do you think I can get?

14. Are we really blaming Beyonce for the economic crisis? Really?

15. If that’s the case, should we blame “Stanky Leg” for our America’s shitty health care system?

16. Why are people treating inauguration like it’s All Star Weekend?

17. What the hell is a Bromance?

18. Now that her ex-husband has declared he’s broke, does that mean The Greedy Ex-Wife of Bankhead, Sheree Whitfield will have to work like the rest of us?

19. Bank of America is going back to the government for more money after already getting $25 billion in aid. When the hell am I getting a bailout?

20. Will someone please tell Diddy Puff’s Black ass that he will never be the Black Bond?

Naw, He Straight

A few things to look for:

1. The way asked for sweet tea.

2. The way he asked for cheese.

3. The way he joked about Pepto.

4. “Naw, we straight.”

5. “Dats you, mayne.”

Not to mention shaking Adrian Fenty’s hand like they were homies and saying, “‘preciate ya.” I wonder how long it will be before there’s a basketball goal hanging in the front of the White House and the Obamas are barbecuing in the front lawn.

I really love this. This is change I can jig to. I mean, it was nice seeing Bill Clinton play the sax on Arsenio and all, but there’s nothing like the real thing. We still appreciate your efforts, Willie. Welfare reform and changes to federal sentencing, not so much, but I digress.

This all makes me want to cling on to the hope that I can one day be Senator Sinick. It would be like spreading hot sauce and bounce music all over the capital (screw during the lame duck session). Oh how much fun that would be.