Janet Jackson Loves Troll Sex

In news that turns your stomach, struggling pop star Janet Jackson recently revealed her penchant for midget sex with long time boyfriend and super producer, Jermaine Dupri. In an upcoming article with Essence magazine, the effervescent titty barer says, “I feel like I finally met my match. In relationships it was always the guy telling me, ‘OK, hold on, wait a minute.’ I’d ask my girlfriends, ‘Aren’t we supposed to be the ones who say, ‘Wait, not tonight, I have a headache?’ This happened through two (marriages) for me. I thought, ‘Something’s not right here.’ But with Jermaine I don’t have to say anything; he knows I’m ready. Any time, any place.”

I think I speak for most people with eyes and an imagination when I say, “Eww!” Don’t get me wrong, I am a big Janet Jackson fan, but lately she, like the ‘Yonce, has been wrecking my nerves. I think it’s great she’s found someone she truly loves and happily engages in ugly sexual escapades with, but do we have to hear about it? Better question is why are her sexual escapades the only thing she’s been able to talk about for the last couple of years?

She is 40 years old, has sold tens of millions of records, made contributions to various charitable causes over the years, is lauded for her creativity (or what now seems to be Rene’s creativity) and contributions to pop culture. At this stage in her career, she seems to only focus on sex. In her material. In her stage act. In her interviews. We get it, Janet. You like sex. You’re a big nympho. You have piercings that help get you off. You like to be tied up. You suck dick like no other. Now you’re enjoying ugly troll sex with Jermaine Dupri. Ok, what else do you have to talk about?

Now her album title has been changed from 20 Years Old to 20 Y.O. in what I gather is an effort to sound younger? That doesn’t make you sound cooler, Jan. It just makes you go from the cool aunt to the drunk and out of touch aunt that does the butterfly to snap music.

And recently Jermaine said, ‘Where’s Beyonce going to be in 20 years?’ It’s hard for me to visualize. I don’t put them on the same plane.” Hopefully Beyonce’s not laid out in a thong (promo pictures) pushing singles that sound like the song the chick second to Beyonce recorded four years prior in a desperate attempt to cling to her youth like his girlfriend.

I don’t get why someone so talented is adamant about remaining stagnant creatively. But I do know one thing: I don’t want to hear about her sexual rendezvous with the chocolate version of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

Love you, though, Janet.

Please Laugh At Her…Please

See what happens when your husband is too lazy to get you any bit film roles? Now we all must suffer.

Please Laugh At Her…Please

See what happens when your husband is too lazy to get you any bit film roles? Now we all must suffer.

Why Does She Have A Record Deal?

If you don’t know who the young women standing next to Dumb Dumb Diddy (Sorry, Aaron Hall, this name just sounds cooler that way) is (and don’t feel bad, because up until a couple of weeks ago, neither did I), her name is Cassie and her debut single, “Me & U” is currently sitting pretty at number three on the Hot 100 chart.

Flipping channels one nite I stumbled along her video. It looked like a cross between Janet’s “Pleasure Principle” and J.Lo’s “I’m Glad” with an added twist of Ashanti’s lack of rhythm and coordination. So ok, she’s not much of a dancer. What else could be driving her success?

My next guess is maybe I was too busy being dumbfounded at the notion of someone being that stiff that young to notice her insanely cleverly written track.

I know them other guts, they’ve been talking ‘bout the way I do what I do

They heard I was good, they wanna see if it’s true

They know you are the one I wanna give it to

I can see you want me, too

And now it’s Me & U

Are you wondering if a 16 year old wrote that shit, too? I sure was for a good hour. Turns this song is the brainchild (and I use that turn loosely) of self-proclaimed “Usher’s Partner in Crime” Ryan Leslie.

If those are the type of lyrics that churn out hits, I think I might take a stab at this myself.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Baby I love you
I know you love me too

Don’t act like you didn’t just sing that to yourself. And finally, I caught her performance on TRL via Youtube and I realized just how terrible this chick is.

Rudy and Olivia from the Cosby Show both lipped better than this chick. She doesn’t even try to mask the fact she’s talentless. The sad part is the audience ate it up.

I can’t be the only one that notices how terrible she is, right?

From the Billboard review of her debut album:

Typical is lead single “Me & U,” a mellow and inescapable summer tune. Cassie masks her glaring lack of vocal range and depth by showing versatility on tracks like “What Do U Want” and second single “Long Way 2 Go,” where she playfully raps à la Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous,” although that style becomes annoying over time. Other lighthearted cuts such as “Kiss Me” and “Not With You” are melodic enough to atone for her vocal flaws, and throughout, the album’s whispery piano runs and simple basslines create a fresh listening experience.

Shout out to the very talented writer and personal shero of mine, Clover Hope for penning this review. It’s a very well written way of saying that chick can’t sing worth a damn, but dammit, I can’t help but sing along to this catchy bullshit.

Her review is a lot more credible than psychotic VJs likening her to the late Aaliyah.

Aaliyah? Some people are out of their rabbit ass minds. Aaliyah wasn’t the best singer, but Cassie makes her sound like Gladys Knight (or at least a Pip) and her stiff self can’t even move on beat let alone dance.

So she can’t really sing. She can’t dance. She’s cute, but not drop dead gorgeous enough to distract from her lack of talent, so why is she popular, or better yet, why did she get a record deal in the first place? I think she’s possessed by the spirit of Lumidee.

I don’t know, but I’m definitely considering writing a book about the current state of the music industry and title it, Fellatio Matters.

A wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom!

I know it’s wrong to poke fun at someone old enough to be my grandmother’s kindergarden teacher, but one can’t help but notice the resemblance.

Have It [Death] Your Way

More lethal than any pistol.

Burger King has unveiled a new line of jumbo high-rise burgers called the BK stacker sandwiches. Each sandwich is stacked with layers of “meat,” cheese, and bacon that’s topped off with stacker sauce. What is stacker sauce? Don’t know. Don’t want to know. I’m still trying to figure out what ingredients McDonalds allows to spoil to make their Big Mac sauce.

And being the kind chain that they are, Burger King gives you the option of selecting how many beef patties to place in your sandwich.

Double Stacker – 2 beef patties, 2 slices of cheese, and 2 pieces of bacon for about $2.49.

Triple Stacker – 3 patties, 3 pieces of cheese, and 4 pieces of bacon for $3.29

Quad Stacker – 4 meat patties, 4 slices of cheese, and 8 slices of bacon for $3.99.

Do you want a triple, quadruple, or quintuple bypass in ten to twenty years? Choose wisely.

And just for future reference:

The average cost for gastric bypass, which creates a much smaller stomach and rearranges the small intestine, is $26,000.

Source

Total average cost of MIDCAB (minimal bypass) surgery was $12,885 compared with $21,260 (full bypass) in the CABG group,” Dr. Zenati said. “We observed significant savings for all major cost centers in the MIDCAB group except for pharmacy.”

Those were the prices in 1997, so kick in another $6-8k. And this doesn’t include the cost of the additional medication you’ll have to take for the rest of your life.

I’m just saying.

If you’re wondering, no, I am not a judgmental health freak. Up until a couple of months ago, I thought drinking orange juice counted as daily fruit intake, so I’ll probably die six months after you. But, the reason why I’ll last those extra months is I know painful chest pains and a belly drooped to the floor when I see it.

With that being said, happy eating. 🙂

Disclaimer: If you work for Burger King or McDonalds, don’t worry. If you ever want to sponsor what I hope is my wonderful show one day, I’ll sell out for a Chicken Whooper or an Oreo McFlurry. I’m no fool.

Timberlake: I’m A Druggie…and that makes me cool finally, right?

Well it certainly explains the look…

With the launch of a new album comes another round of press where the bitch-like-me persona of Justin Timberlake shines through. If you remember, back when he was promoting (un)Justified(hype), Timberlake did an interview Star and Buckwild where he hinted at performing oral sex on a then attractive Britney Spears, in addition to appearing on shows like 106 and Park to talk about his love for women with ass (yeah, Cameron got that Trina booty). As annoying as all of that was, Justin seems to be on a campaign to best himself, and judging from what he’s telling the UK Press, he just may be well on his way.

In an interview with Britain’s Observer Music Monthly, Timberlame tells the publication he done “Way too many drugs” to ever seek such a high-profile position such as president of the United States. Obviously, he’s not familiar with our current commander-in-chief, but I digress. Without specifying with narcotic substances he’s dabbled with, Timberfake did say, “nicotine is more addictive than heroin.”

What.a.fucking.moron.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Timberbitch goes on and on and on.

In reference to college: “There’s too many…women. Women, drugs, and debauchery.”

That’s right, Timbertwat. College has too many books, signs of intelligent life, and nothing remotely related to you making a career out of stealing Michael Jackson’s swagger.

He’s also running his yap about Britney Spears for the millionith time in the latest issue of GQ:

“When we initially parted ways, I felt like she had a couple of opportunities to just sort of stick up for me, and she didn’t.”

It’s probably difficult for someone to do that when you’re pimping out their name to boost your own celebrity. And Justin, Janet Jackson called — she said “Deja Vu, bitch.”

B-Day Cover

She looks like a sexed up version of Simba. I take it this makes LeToya Luckett, Scar.

Yeah Yeah Another Rant About Beyonce

Now I’m a known Beyonce stan, but even I can’t forgive that wack ass “Deja Vu” video. I don’t even know where to begin. Wait. Yes I do.

Singing in a beaded dress in the swamp.

Doing the funky lopsided suffering from disease chicken in a grass skirt.

Running around in the fields like Celie searching for Nettie.

It’s like they took every old southern stereotype and used them to come up with the treatment for the video.

Back to the skirt for a second. She looked like a castaway from Gilligan’s Island. Fire your mama already! You’re name is Beyonce, not Ginger.

And what’s the deal with the pseudo African dances near the plantation home, Bee? She looked like she was about to perform a voodoo ritual. I hope those weren’t the spirits of New Orleans she was trying to channel. Creoles don’t bring that up. Look at her starting shit.

What probably bothers me the most is how she’s behaving with Jay-Z. I understand that’s her dude and all, but he looked so uninterested in her. Did she really drop to the floor and snatch on his belt buckle? I mean for a minute there, I thought chick was about to show she’s a quadruple threat.

Her handlers and boyfriend parade her around as a sexual accessory and she purposely plays into that. Why is she making herself look so desperate, especially when it’s her video? He’s the clown that looks like a walking ad for cancer/Kool cigarettes? So what he has money, he’s uglier than gluttony and she’s Beyonce. Like, what’s wrong with you, chick?

You didn’t think about how that might make you look to people? Wait, probably not, because you don’t have to think for yourself too often, now do you? Your father made your career. Your mother molded you based on her own failed dreams of Supremes like stardom. And now your Jay’s chick. I bet if women really thought about it, a lot of them would probably throw one finger at you instead of their entire hand. Maybe you’re only independent until he pays the bills, so as soon as the balance clears you cater to him. Not sure anymore. But, this is the chick that talked about her record being empowering for women with song titles called “Freekum Dress.” My niece will not be listening to that one.

I’ve been a big fan of hers since reading about Destiny’s Child years ago in the Houston Chronicle, but I’m becoming bored with her. She never did the promised soul album. Everything she does from her adlibs down to her poses is so formulaic. She no longer shows any personality. She never has an opinion about anything. No wonder the video is so bad. It’s the perfect reflection of her right now: boring.

It’s really frustrating to see someone with so much talent and so much potential squander all of that by going back to the same old bullshit.

Please do better, Bouncy. I know you can. You have way too much talent not to.

Beyonce Wants You To Give Her Stripper Bit More Respect

Doesn’t this scream artistry?

Beyonce, creative force behind such empowering female anthems like “Bootylicious” and the inspirational, self-esteem promoting mid-tempo, “Happy Face,” feels that people just aren’t giving her enough credit as an artist.

“It’s frustrating, because sometimes, when you are attractive, people don’t acknowledge that you are talented as well.””I mean, I’m a songwriter, I’m a producer, I have a strong voice, I’m a dynamic performer. Sometimes people forget that.”

Pretty people have it so hard. Believe me, I know. And honestly, sometimes, particularly for women, the public would prefer to pay more attention to their aesthetic beauty in favor of everything else. But, y’know, I’m not buying that in this instance. Beyonce, I looooove you, but if there were a “N**** please” stick, you for damn sure would need your ass smacked upside the head with it right about now.

“I woke up this morning, the sunshine was shining, I put on my happy face.”

“Dip it. Pop it. Twirk it. Stop it. Check on me tonight.”

“We like them boys up top from the BK…know how to flip that money three ways.”

Baby, you aren’t Lauryn Hill. Hell, you’re not even Mary J. Blige high with this material. You’re the first black female to win the ASCAP songwriting award and you won it for “Bootylicious” and “Independent Women Part I” where you ask folks over and over again to throw their hands up at you. Do you realllllllly want to go there?

As far as producing, you, like Missy, need to shut up. You do fantastic vocal producation and arrangements, but you’re not composing music.

You are in fact a dynamic performer, but I saw you last week: You were trippin’ with that Tina Turner meets cheerleader meets Pentacoastal service routine. You looked a lot like me after I got my ass beat for stealing chocolate from Foodarama on that floor.

And lastly, maybe people pay more attention to your beauty because you’re poppin your pussy on stage all the time. I love the way you work that imaginary pole, but you’ve proven you can work the stage without such antics – you do it to yourself.

Again, I loooooove you, but promise me one thing: You will never, never, ever ever ever ever ever do another interview like this without your publicist being on her job. I want to kick Yvette myself for letting this go down.